There is something in my life that is makeing it hard for me to follow God the way I'm meant to. And that thing is Fear. I know this is a shallow, and stupid fear to have but I am deathly afriad of not finding my true love. The thought of there not being anyone out there for me hurts worse than anything else in the world. I am so afriad that God didn't create someone for me. That I was put on the earth to be... alone. And this fear is keeping me from completely trusting God.
Because I don't trust God, I am constantly creating and searching for my own prince charming. And it gets me hurt. Because no one can ever match up to a man that God created to be my husband. But I am afriad God didn't do that for me, so I figure any Prince is better than none.
I know that not everyone will find their soul mates, if they even had one. My mom is the perfect example. She's basically given up. She has us kids, but I mean not forever. After that she'll be alone. Thats what I'm afriad of; not finding love and being alone.
Another thing that bothers me about this is that I am have a hard time giving up this fear to God. Because I want to be Cinderella so freaking bad..
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
The Yellow Umbrella
When I first got my Job at the local WaterPark, one of the first things I wanted to do with my money (besides buy a car) was buy a yellow umbrella. I searched my local convieniant store, but have been unsuccessful. The story behind my desire for the yellow umbrella can be traced back to a little tv show called "How I met your mother". The premise of the show is Ted Mosbey telling his children all the events leading up to him meeting their mother and his future wife. In on of the episodes Ted finds a yellow umbrella at a club which the nararator informs belongs to his future wife. Through out the show the umbrella symbolizes Ted getting closer to finding his future wife. I guess the Yellow Umbrella for me serves a simular conotation. I gives me hope that one day I'll find my prince charming. So, I guess the reason I have yet to find my yellow umbrella is that I still have somtime before I finally meet the love of my life. That doesn't mean that I wont stop searching for my Yellow Umbrella, but rather when I do find it, It will be as bright and prominent as the color Yellow. When I find that umbrella, I know that it is almost that time. When the walflower is asked to dance.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Round 2
Welp. That was short lived. It's weird how differently people can perseve things. After we kissed... he didn't feel anything. I did. And to be honest... I proud of us... We've matured a bit. He was honest with me letting it drag out (which would've hurt me even more). I am hurt, and it sucks, but I am glad he made the right decision. And I've also been able to act the way I normally did, despite the feelings that are inside of me. I just wish we could get the friendship that we had before we kissed back. I feel like its different, despite the fact that we're handling the situation well. And I guess that it might have to do with how I still hurt inside. But I guess.. I dunno... I feel like there's more going on underneath... Then again, thats always been the case with him Haha...
ttfn♥
Kate
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Stupid or Reckless?
So I hung with Ryan yesterday. We tried to get a group together, but it ended up being just me and him. And we had a BLAST!(: We didn't know what todo at first. Then he pulled over into a neighborhood and he got out the car, walked over to the passenger side, and said "You choose where we go,"
So he let me drive his car. And we drove around a bit, and he gave me some driving tip since I haven't taken my test yet. I was nervous though XP. Eventually we switched back and we started talk about the differance between Stupid and Reckless Driving.
So he turns to me and says, "Wanna do something Stupid?" and of course I agreed. So we went to this dark, and empty road... He grabs my hand and... He floors it, 60 miles over the speed limit. Exillerating(:
So by the time we got back to my house it was around 10, and my parents still weren't home (I'd been home alone all day). So we drove over to their office to see if they were still there, and they were. SO we hung out there for a little bitt. Then when they were ready to go we went back to the house, but still ended up beating my Dad, so we went inside a comenced a Ninja Pillow War.
When my Dad walked in we were in a very awkward position. He leg was like over my head and my arm was like between his leg and shoving a pillow in his face and it was great haha. So my dad walks in and is just like"...you're not supose to have boys in the house when we're not here," and walks away.
So we continued on with our Pillow War until we ended up plopping down on the couch. We were sort of in a cuddley position. Then our hands sort of inched closer to eachother until we were holding hands.
We fell alseep there until Mamasummer and Reighan got home (apparently they had gone to Wall-Mart) and woke us up. Then we ended up playing Life with my family until round 12.30 when he had to go home.
So I walked him out to his car, and we hugged goodbye. Then I moved my head alittle then he moved his head, and then we kissed. I was one of those where it was more then a peck, but less then a french. Then we held eachother for a long time and I said, "Stupid or Reckless?"
He chuckled alittle and said, "I don't know yet," Which brings us to where we are now. Its thanksgiving, and I am currently at my G-rents house.
I obviously have alot of feelings about the sitution, and its all sort of confusing. So I guess I'm just gonna wait, and let it play out. All I know for sure is that if we do end up back together I don't want it to be like last time. I want it to be christ centered.
Because if there's one thing I've learned in my measly 16 years is that if Christ is not at the center of anything, it will eventually perish.
So because it s thanksgiving I would just like to thank God for his Grace, seccond chances, my supportive and loving family and friends, and most of all sending his son to die on the cross for my sins. Amen.
ttfn♥
Kate
So he let me drive his car. And we drove around a bit, and he gave me some driving tip since I haven't taken my test yet. I was nervous though XP. Eventually we switched back and we started talk about the differance between Stupid and Reckless Driving.
So he turns to me and says, "Wanna do something Stupid?" and of course I agreed. So we went to this dark, and empty road... He grabs my hand and... He floors it, 60 miles over the speed limit. Exillerating(:
So by the time we got back to my house it was around 10, and my parents still weren't home (I'd been home alone all day). So we drove over to their office to see if they were still there, and they were. SO we hung out there for a little bitt. Then when they were ready to go we went back to the house, but still ended up beating my Dad, so we went inside a comenced a Ninja Pillow War.
When my Dad walked in we were in a very awkward position. He leg was like over my head and my arm was like between his leg and shoving a pillow in his face and it was great haha. So my dad walks in and is just like"...you're not supose to have boys in the house when we're not here," and walks away.
So we continued on with our Pillow War until we ended up plopping down on the couch. We were sort of in a cuddley position. Then our hands sort of inched closer to eachother until we were holding hands.
We fell alseep there until Mamasummer and Reighan got home (apparently they had gone to Wall-Mart) and woke us up. Then we ended up playing Life with my family until round 12.30 when he had to go home.
So I walked him out to his car, and we hugged goodbye. Then I moved my head alittle then he moved his head, and then we kissed. I was one of those where it was more then a peck, but less then a french. Then we held eachother for a long time and I said, "Stupid or Reckless?"
He chuckled alittle and said, "I don't know yet," Which brings us to where we are now. Its thanksgiving, and I am currently at my G-rents house.
I obviously have alot of feelings about the sitution, and its all sort of confusing. So I guess I'm just gonna wait, and let it play out. All I know for sure is that if we do end up back together I don't want it to be like last time. I want it to be christ centered.
Because if there's one thing I've learned in my measly 16 years is that if Christ is not at the center of anything, it will eventually perish.
So because it s thanksgiving I would just like to thank God for his Grace, seccond chances, my supportive and loving family and friends, and most of all sending his son to die on the cross for my sins. Amen.
ttfn♥
Kate
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Wow, I can get sexual too: My Dirty Little Secret
So there's this guy I've had an on and off thing with since the begining of sophomore year. And he's kind of a douche as most on and off guys are, but there's a problem. And that problem would be his big brown eyes, and the fact that everytime I see him I want to have sex with him. I know this makes me sound like a slut, but I don't even really like him. I mean I care for him and his well-being but I don't feel romatically for him. He just makes me really horny. This sounds kind of dumb, but I think its because my fling with him is a bit more risque than usual. Like we do bad kid things together, and he makes me feel like a risktaker or a badass. And I know that makeing out with him in a band practice room does not make by any means make me a badass. But its the excitement of sneaking around, and being bad. It makes me feel like a cool kid, haha! It also bothers me that there's alot of songs that remind me of him such as the 2 mentioned in the title and many, many more. I sometimes want to tell him that these song make me thing of him, but then I'm like thats stupid.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Farewell Adress
36 minutes.
I would like to extend a friendly good by to the 15 year old version of my self. As this year comes to a close, I look back on all the shit that went down, and just how far I've come. It was the year my stepmom got cancer, the year I lost my horse, the year I got my heart broken. And God Damnitt if it wasn't one of the best years of my life. So years a toast to the good and the bad, the friends lost, the friends gains, all the good times, and all the shit that went down. It was all worth it in the end and it's made me who I am today.
30 minutes
My last day being 15 was pretty normal. I went to school. I didn't wear shoes. I ate lunch with my friends. I went to the dentist. Ate some fajitas. Froze my butt off at a football game. We won. Doug came and said Hi to me in the stands. Yet I wouldn't have spent it any other way. Because being 15 taught me how to make ever little thing an adventure. And thats what today and everyday is. An adventure.
24 minutes
I look to future and realize that I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. But one things for certain. I want fun, friendship, and above all else God. This is the next the next step, and a new begining. I am growing closer to the woman God intended me to be. And that in its self is exciting.
16 minutes
I also look forward to the change, and fear it at the same time. I look forward to the life lessons, the friendships, and even the heartbreak. For it's going to shape me into who I am supose to be. I've come so far, looking back, and I'm ready to keep pushing forward.
12:01 November 4th, 2011
Finally, I am 16. The year I've been waiting for along time. Sweet Sixteen. I made it. I don't feel any different. Excited. A couple minutes more mature perhaps? But the real change wont sink in for a while, and then this time next year, when I am a senior, I will sit and reflect on all the things that are still to come. Oh, what a year it will be.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Slutty Zombie
I... am just... so confused. Like I don't understand my brain or my feelings. So today was halloween, and I dressed up as a slutty zombie and I hung out with Franki and Brittany, and Colin (a friend I hadn't seen in a long time). And I realized how much I had missed Colin, and I was excited to see him because he was like one of my best friends in middle school. And now Brittany's like into him and I am confused.
I know I don't like him, because I promised my self I never would, but The Britt thing made me feel off and I don't know why.
I also got to me Colin's friend Ryan, who I had met in facebook and had a crush on once apon a time. He played sweet home alabama on it guitar and it made me all giggley. Haha. I... yeah... And also have been hanging out with the Ryan more recently, and its been nice because I like the way his car smell. I don't wanna be with him or anything, because I don't have feelings for him anymore, but its been nice seeing him.
That's about it ttfn!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Russian Roulette
I went to church today, and it was really hard to pay attention because everyone is so attractive. Anywho, God opened my eyes to how lately I've been playing Russian Roulette with my heart. Let me explain. Some of the people I am allowing myself to be interested in right now are setting me up to get my heart broken. So basically I think that I am going to take the bullet out and pull the trigger. There are disitions that I know are bad ones so I am going to eliminate them and then allow myself to delve into the unknown. Because 30 years from now I am going to regreat all that I didn't do, not all that I've done. So basically tomorow I am getting Dougs number, haha! Peace!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Hey Jude
Truth is... I am actually really sad. I am contantly missing him, and it huts, and it sucks. But I am trying to distract myself with other things, like attractive men and the fact that I am failing 3 classes right now. Fun. I might be adding Doug on facebook soon, so thats exciting. And thats basically it... ttfn!
Monday, October 24, 2011
A little less 16 candles.
Welp. They put Dude down this morning. He went calmly, and peacefully. Sam says that usually means they were ready. I am happy for him. I am glad he's feeling better. I wish that I could be where he is right now, but I know my time is not up. And that there are still things left here to do.
On a lighter note I am turning 16 in 10 days, and I am super excited. :D We're throwing a "masquaRAVE" and our neighborhood club house, and its gon be super frikkin tight. My dad my DJ while wearing a gorilla costume...Just sayin!
Also, today my good friend Daelen broke up with Ryan today (yes, that Ryan) and I'm really confused on how I feel about that. There's apart of me that start to think, and then I hit it the head before I can think it. There's also apart of me that's like KARMA!! And then I feel bad. And then like I am happy for Daelen because she's happier, and I wanna be there for her because she's like one of my best friends now. I am just not gonna think about it.
Also, so today I was down because of Dude, and Doug came up to me and was like hey you seem kinda down, and so I told him what was wrong, and anywho. I think he might like me, but I can't tell because he's really friendly. But he noticed I was down and usually guy don't notice that stuff. Gah! idk, he's always like play around and stuff. Idk haha we'll see(:
Ttfn♥ :D
http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?v=1257652766976
On a lighter note I am turning 16 in 10 days, and I am super excited. :D We're throwing a "masquaRAVE" and our neighborhood club house, and its gon be super frikkin tight. My dad my DJ while wearing a gorilla costume...Just sayin!
Also, today my good friend Daelen broke up with Ryan today (yes, that Ryan) and I'm really confused on how I feel about that. There's apart of me that start to think, and then I hit it the head before I can think it. There's also apart of me that's like KARMA!! And then I feel bad. And then like I am happy for Daelen because she's happier, and I wanna be there for her because she's like one of my best friends now. I am just not gonna think about it.
Also, so today I was down because of Dude, and Doug came up to me and was like hey you seem kinda down, and so I told him what was wrong, and anywho. I think he might like me, but I can't tell because he's really friendly. But he noticed I was down and usually guy don't notice that stuff. Gah! idk, he's always like play around and stuff. Idk haha we'll see(:
Ttfn♥ :D
http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?v=1257652766976
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Dude
They're putting Dude down tomorrow. I am going to miss him... ALOT. He has been there for me through 3 1/2 years, and he's helped me through so much shit. He was there for my first heart break, and my seccond. And through all stupid mistakes I've made hes still been there for me. And now he's gone like vapor. And now I'll never see him again.
I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I just wish he didn't have to die. Even though I know in my head its whats best for him, my heart is breaking. I love him. There will never be another horse like him, he will always hold a special place in my heart.
Gah! I'm such a loser! I keep crying at like random times... can't. deal. I just wish the things that I love would stop leaving me. I love him...
I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I just wish he didn't have to die. Even though I know in my head its whats best for him, my heart is breaking. I love him. There will never be another horse like him, he will always hold a special place in my heart.
Gah! I'm such a loser! I keep crying at like random times... can't. deal. I just wish the things that I love would stop leaving me. I love him...
Friday, October 21, 2011
Misery Loves Company :D
So its like midnight:30, and I have to get up early and goto the barn but I'm gonna write this blog anyways :D
So tonight we had a football game, blah dee blah. Nothing really important, but me and Macey got closer and I think me and Manny did too. Which is cool because I love them. Anywho, me and Macey talked about our past and our experiances and stuff, because basically I was on the verge of a mental breakdown rooted from guilt and, as always, abandonment issues. And I realized that not only have I made alot of mistakes, but I've hurt alot of people and I hate my self for that. It was nice to have someone who resonated though.
There's alot of other chiz going on too, but I talk about it when I get back from camp.
Love Ya! -Kate
So tonight we had a football game, blah dee blah. Nothing really important, but me and Macey got closer and I think me and Manny did too. Which is cool because I love them. Anywho, me and Macey talked about our past and our experiances and stuff, because basically I was on the verge of a mental breakdown rooted from guilt and, as always, abandonment issues. And I realized that not only have I made alot of mistakes, but I've hurt alot of people and I hate my self for that. It was nice to have someone who resonated though.
There's alot of other chiz going on too, but I talk about it when I get back from camp.
Love Ya! -Kate
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Sorry I was thinking about cats.
I don't know what to say. Life has been alot of things. God has been doing some pretty sweet things lately. Nothing's really happening in the relationship dept. Other than this attractive guy in my com apps class who laughs at my jokes and does parkour, but that basically the end of that story. I've lost some old friends, and gain some new. And every now and then I am filled with an overwhelming wave of nostlgia. But I know that whats happening right now is ment to, and will eventually shape into the person I'm ment to be. I am not really happy with who I am, but I'm not unhappy either. I'm in between. I'm in a transition phase.
God, however, is doing some pretty awesome things in my life. And that does excite me. Like today, Brittany was haveing some rediculous mucus problems, and I prayed over her right there, and it went away. God is Insane, Crazy. I know that I am called to be a missionary, but sometimes I just wanna not. Sometimes I just wanna sit on the couch.
Last night after church, me and Morticai were talking about how religion is like a video game with unlimited weaponry, but only one life. God provides everything we need to spread his glory and love, we just gotta do it.
The couch is metaphore for all reasons your not working for God, be it insecurity or laziness or tumblr. To keep strong in your faith you must fight at it and work at it every day, because there ARE forces in this world that are working against you, and when you give into those forces it breaks God's heart.
Think about when you're in love with someone, and they tell you that they'd die for you. It means alot, doesn't it? That's how God feels about you, except that he is the DIVINE CREATOR of the universe. Just that fact should make you want to love him back and abide is glorious laws. But sometimes we forget, and sometimes we slip up. But thats okay! Because God loves us enough to forgive us no matter what, and so we love hime back.
God, however, is doing some pretty awesome things in my life. And that does excite me. Like today, Brittany was haveing some rediculous mucus problems, and I prayed over her right there, and it went away. God is Insane, Crazy. I know that I am called to be a missionary, but sometimes I just wanna not. Sometimes I just wanna sit on the couch.
Last night after church, me and Morticai were talking about how religion is like a video game with unlimited weaponry, but only one life. God provides everything we need to spread his glory and love, we just gotta do it.
The couch is metaphore for all reasons your not working for God, be it insecurity or laziness or tumblr. To keep strong in your faith you must fight at it and work at it every day, because there ARE forces in this world that are working against you, and when you give into those forces it breaks God's heart.
Think about when you're in love with someone, and they tell you that they'd die for you. It means alot, doesn't it? That's how God feels about you, except that he is the DIVINE CREATOR of the universe. Just that fact should make you want to love him back and abide is glorious laws. But sometimes we forget, and sometimes we slip up. But thats okay! Because God loves us enough to forgive us no matter what, and so we love hime back.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Whats going on in my world?
Well, Some pretty exciting things happended to me last weekend(: I went to COMiCPALOOZA some friends(: I got to meet Troi from Startrek, I gave the guy who plays Seamus Finnigan in the Harry Potter movies a hug, I told Superman a joke, and almost got slayed by Darth Vader. IT. WAS. AWESOME. I also got to eat some delicious chinese food, and goto a concert featureing a full orchestra and only playing Beatles songs(: I also met a really cute boy. He's Irish, and wore a Startrek uniform. I gave him my #. He never texted, but it was a big step for me(: Then I went to church on Sunday, and talked to my friend Chris. He's very cute, and kind of cuddley, but I think he's just that way with everyne :P We shared a coffee, and talked through the entire service about anything and everything.
I also finally got to see Pirates 4 with my bestfriend Brittany. IT WAS AWESOME!! mermaids O.O. During the credits, I told brit we needed to wait cus I had heard there was a clip at the end. So we waited, and we look around and its just us in the theatre alone with this creepy guy standing in the back with his glasses. Conviently, thats also when the music starts getting intense and scary. So we start freaking out, and its dark and in the darkness the guy looks like he's getting closer and closer! SO were freaking out so much that were laughing hysterically, and britts like, we gotta get outta here!, but I'm too scared to move. So FINALLY the clip comes on, and ends up being really anti-climactic for what we endured to see it. The clip ends, and we turn back, and the creepy guy is gone. Then its the end of the film, so the screen's messing up, and we freak out and run out of the theatre still laughing hystarically mind you. And We finally get out and I'm rolling on the floor, and this guy in a fadora is giving me dirty looks. It was great :P
So tomorrow were all going to the water park, and I'm really excited. Its finally summer, and schools out. I'm also trying really hard not to think about or miss whats-his-face. Its hard somedays, but I try to keep my self busy. It also helps that I have another romantic intrest. Unfortunently, we fight alot, and our emotions tend to change alot, but in the end thats just the beauty of it really. I don't speculate a relationship in the future, but I do care about this person alot. I'm also working on drivers ed, and algebra 2 online. I also am saving up for a car useing m Job as a Lifegaurd.
Just like every Summer, I set out to discover fun, friendship, and myself.
Love,
Kate
I also finally got to see Pirates 4 with my bestfriend Brittany. IT WAS AWESOME!! mermaids O.O. During the credits, I told brit we needed to wait cus I had heard there was a clip at the end. So we waited, and we look around and its just us in the theatre alone with this creepy guy standing in the back with his glasses. Conviently, thats also when the music starts getting intense and scary. So we start freaking out, and its dark and in the darkness the guy looks like he's getting closer and closer! SO were freaking out so much that were laughing hysterically, and britts like, we gotta get outta here!, but I'm too scared to move. So FINALLY the clip comes on, and ends up being really anti-climactic for what we endured to see it. The clip ends, and we turn back, and the creepy guy is gone. Then its the end of the film, so the screen's messing up, and we freak out and run out of the theatre still laughing hystarically mind you. And We finally get out and I'm rolling on the floor, and this guy in a fadora is giving me dirty looks. It was great :P
So tomorrow were all going to the water park, and I'm really excited. Its finally summer, and schools out. I'm also trying really hard not to think about or miss whats-his-face. Its hard somedays, but I try to keep my self busy. It also helps that I have another romantic intrest. Unfortunently, we fight alot, and our emotions tend to change alot, but in the end thats just the beauty of it really. I don't speculate a relationship in the future, but I do care about this person alot. I'm also working on drivers ed, and algebra 2 online. I also am saving up for a car useing m Job as a Lifegaurd.
Just like every Summer, I set out to discover fun, friendship, and myself.
Love,
Kate
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Dear Future True Love~
Dear Future True Love,
I love you. Times are hard for me, and I just wish you could be here to hold me. Broken hearts hurt, but I know that someday they will lead me to you. Sometimes, when I'm feeling lonley, I'll think of you, and the fact that you are out there somewhere, exsisting right this seccond is comforting. I promise to never stop looking for you, as long as you never stop looking for me. Then one day, when the time is right, we'll find eachother. Until then, I will never give up hope. I will also continue to write you, because when I write to you I feel like you are closer than you may actually be(:
Love,
A heartbroken, tenth grade version of your True Love♥
I love you. Times are hard for me, and I just wish you could be here to hold me. Broken hearts hurt, but I know that someday they will lead me to you. Sometimes, when I'm feeling lonley, I'll think of you, and the fact that you are out there somewhere, exsisting right this seccond is comforting. I promise to never stop looking for you, as long as you never stop looking for me. Then one day, when the time is right, we'll find eachother. Until then, I will never give up hope. I will also continue to write you, because when I write to you I feel like you are closer than you may actually be(:
Love,
A heartbroken, tenth grade version of your True Love♥
Sunday, April 24, 2011
The Only Blog I'll Post On The Subject [Hopefully]
SO I'm gonna try and make this not sound whiney or pathetic... It'll be hard, but I'm gonna try... And I'm gonna direct it toward someone... Not trying to be acusatory, just tryign to make it easier to explain my emotions.
Basically, I've come to the sudden realization that I've been where you are. I know and understand exactly what you're going through. I guess, it makes the situation easier to except... in someways. In others... its harder..
Mostly because I realize what I was to you... And it hurts... But I cant get mad... because someone was once that to me.. And to fully accept that I have to fully accept my past..which I have put off doing... So... I shall bring forth him. I haven't talked about him in a while because I'm not proud of what happened between me and him. You know more than I will explain here. But when it comes down to it... I never felt as passionatley with him as led him and myself to believe. I was just comfortable. And at the time I needed that. But... and this is the hardest part to accept... This would have to mean that I only went as far as I did with him because I was horny, and bored. Which was not true for you, and it may not be true for me. Its just a theory that I have, and it may not be true in your case, but from what I've heard from you its a definant posibility.
Other than that it is easy for me to understand and accept what you're going through. I'm not gonna lie, I still have a hard time, but I'm slowly healing... but I know you are healed, and I don't blame you, cus I've been there before. It's always easier to get over someone you broke up with, than someone who broke up with you. I miss it, and I miss you, and I still get jelous... but someday I'll end up back in your spot. Its just the circle of life and I just need time.. Sometimes I just feel like I have to work alot harder to maintain our friendship than you... but it'll be worth it in the long run.
ttfn
Kate
Basically, I've come to the sudden realization that I've been where you are. I know and understand exactly what you're going through. I guess, it makes the situation easier to except... in someways. In others... its harder..
Mostly because I realize what I was to you... And it hurts... But I cant get mad... because someone was once that to me.. And to fully accept that I have to fully accept my past..which I have put off doing... So... I shall bring forth him. I haven't talked about him in a while because I'm not proud of what happened between me and him. You know more than I will explain here. But when it comes down to it... I never felt as passionatley with him as led him and myself to believe. I was just comfortable. And at the time I needed that. But... and this is the hardest part to accept... This would have to mean that I only went as far as I did with him because I was horny, and bored. Which was not true for you, and it may not be true for me. Its just a theory that I have, and it may not be true in your case, but from what I've heard from you its a definant posibility.
Other than that it is easy for me to understand and accept what you're going through. I'm not gonna lie, I still have a hard time, but I'm slowly healing... but I know you are healed, and I don't blame you, cus I've been there before. It's always easier to get over someone you broke up with, than someone who broke up with you. I miss it, and I miss you, and I still get jelous... but someday I'll end up back in your spot. Its just the circle of life and I just need time.. Sometimes I just feel like I have to work alot harder to maintain our friendship than you... but it'll be worth it in the long run.
ttfn
Kate
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Believing
Last night I experienced something so simple, yet so profound. Earlier I was talking to my friend about how I wished people thought of me as free spirit. We continued discuss how it seemed as though I was a free spirit on the inside, but there was something keeping me back. Possibly insecurities. Last night was amazing. What happened? I was free. Me and Brittany, Mark, and Ryan all went to the woodlands. In a moment of spontaneity, and despite our skirts and hair... we swam in a public fountain. It was one of the most amazing moment of my life. For once, I was free. I was magic. I was pure, and innocent. I was profound and beautiful. I was the free spirit I want to be. There's been allot of things holding me back lately, and the biggest one is me. I just need to let go. I need to not worry. I need to not let my insecurities, and fears keep me from flying. I need to focus on the present, and not on the past or future. I need to focus on my self, in a non-selfish manor. I need to believe. I believe in magic. I believe in miracles. I believe in fate. I believe in beauty. I believe in unicorns. I believe in peace. I believe in freedom. I believe in myself. Nothings here to hold me back any longer. I need to be free. What happened to me in the fountain was magic. I can never re-do or re-create that moment. Its all forward from here. I am Free.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Charisma & the Value of Life
Charisma is one of the most inspirational tools one can use to change the world. Today it was brought to my attention that I am very uncharismatic. This bothers me because I want to change the world in some way shape or form. I realize that I haven't talked about it much, but in some way I want to leave my mark on the world. I want people to remember me long after I've died, like Jesus or Rosa Parks or Elvis. Any who, back to why I am uncharismatic. It is not that I'm a unlikeable person, or that I don't have passion or enthusiasm. It because let my negative qualities ( specifically insecurity, moodiness, and perfectionism) cloud out the things that attract people. Unfortunately, my faults are apart of who I am and I will struggle with them for the rest of my life. I can't change my personality for the sake of being charismatic. You can't try to be a charismatic person. Charisma comes naturally. You can't fake charisma. Does that mean I will never be a charismatic person and never achieve my dream of being influential? I don't think so. I think everyone has their own form of charisma, because different people are attracted to different things. The fact is not everyone is going to like you. This is a big struggle for me, because its easy to understand right now, but it might not be when someone cracks a fat joke at my expense when I walk into school tomorrow. Not being able to accept this fact is the reason for my insecurities, and my need to be perfect. All these things combined make me frustrated, and scared which leads to my moodiness. If I would just accept this fact I could be a very charismatic person.
The interesting thing is that tomorrow, there's a chance that I could disagree with everything I just said. I could be wrong. As life changes, I change my mind. I spend so much time trying to rationalize my feelings, and it frustrates me. Honestly, I will probably never truly understand life, because in just one moment you can begin to question your entire existence. It could be something little like not having lunch money or a ride home. It can be something big like my mom has cancer or my dads in prison. Life is unpredictable. You just can never know. You can't spend your life worrying about whats to come. You must enjoy what you have now, because in less than a second it could be gone. Sadly, when I say you and I tell you to do things... I am usually talking to myself. I don't know though. What do you think?
♥Kate
click here to see my tumblr: http://kkateperkinss.tumblr.com/
The interesting thing is that tomorrow, there's a chance that I could disagree with everything I just said. I could be wrong. As life changes, I change my mind. I spend so much time trying to rationalize my feelings, and it frustrates me. Honestly, I will probably never truly understand life, because in just one moment you can begin to question your entire existence. It could be something little like not having lunch money or a ride home. It can be something big like my mom has cancer or my dads in prison. Life is unpredictable. You just can never know. You can't spend your life worrying about whats to come. You must enjoy what you have now, because in less than a second it could be gone. Sadly, when I say you and I tell you to do things... I am usually talking to myself. I don't know though. What do you think?
♥Kate
click here to see my tumblr: http://kkateperkinss.tumblr.com/
Thursday, March 10, 2011
To the cancer patients of the world, my heart goes out to you
Once again life is teaching me how important it is, that selfish bastard. God is testing me, or punishing me or possible both. MamaSummer's Kemo starts tomorrow. My mom was telling me how it kills all the cells, and that MamaSummer will be really sick. I became scared. I asked if I could not goto to my fathers house if she was feeling sick. I can barley deal with the thought of her sickley. She told me now, and that it'll give me a new perspective on life. Well you know fucking what!? Maybe I don't want a new perspective! Maybe I want my stepmom to be well. Maybe I want to my family to just be stable. Maybe I want to get good grades and hang out with friends, and not have to worry about my family and future. Maybe I should run away. Maybe I should lock myself in a closet and hide from reality. Maybe I'll get fake ID and move to a foreign country. I know that wishing won't make my stepmom well, and I know I cant run and hide from realty. Don't mind me I'm just upset.
On a lighter note:
I had a very artistic afternoon. Filled with painters, and jazz concerts, and contemplation of my inner self♥ I love to be surrounded by culture.
To the cancer patients of the world, My ♥ goes out to you...
Kate
On a lighter note:
I had a very artistic afternoon. Filled with painters, and jazz concerts, and contemplation of my inner self♥ I love to be surrounded by culture.
To the cancer patients of the world, My ♥ goes out to you...
Kate
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Death of a Artist
I Can't Write. I used to write all the time, but for some reason i just stopped... maybe because I thought I was no good? Or never gave my stories paticense enough to blossom. Maybe.
Maybe its because I wrote, because I was unhappy. I wrote to get away from reality. Or maybe, I always had an idea before I began writting. I never wrote just to write. I have ideas all the time, but i feel like none of them are ever worth being put down on paper. Or that I am an uncapable writter. I used to read too. I'm just so busy this year. Am I loosing my ability to be an artist? Am I becoming unable to make art? This is a great fear of mine. That the artist in me is dying. I was never really good at peotry, because I ahve a tendancy to ramble, but I kinda wanna give it a shot... I guess we'll wait in see. It shall be a feeble, yet hopefull attemt to revive my dying artistic soul...
Maybe its because I wrote, because I was unhappy. I wrote to get away from reality. Or maybe, I always had an idea before I began writting. I never wrote just to write. I have ideas all the time, but i feel like none of them are ever worth being put down on paper. Or that I am an uncapable writter. I used to read too. I'm just so busy this year. Am I loosing my ability to be an artist? Am I becoming unable to make art? This is a great fear of mine. That the artist in me is dying. I was never really good at peotry, because I ahve a tendancy to ramble, but I kinda wanna give it a shot... I guess we'll wait in see. It shall be a feeble, yet hopefull attemt to revive my dying artistic soul...
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Never Say Never
My life as I know is crumbleing all around me. I am in pain, and all I can do to ease it is sing. "Never Say Never, Don't Let Me Go". I have come to the conclusion that I am, infact, not christian. There is too much going on in my life to get caught up in do's and don't and religous labels. I am giveing up on religion and giveing in to spirituality. Right now I just God. Just God. I don't need a church, or a fellowship, or commandments to get me through right now. I just need God. And that is my main focus.
Today in church we talked about the temptations (aka testing) of Christ. Sometimes God tests us, right before we are about to do something great for him in the glory of his name. God is putting me through these trials right now to test me, and I do pray that he uses these things for his own good. I hope that through me and my challanges there will be a great victory in the name of the Lord.
Priorities. I need to re-prioritize. I need to focus on God. My family and friends and blessings are slowly fadeing to black. I need to grab on to something sturdy, valid, pure. God. Because with him I will never be alone. And through him, I pray, that the great blessings I once had in my life will come to color once again. I just have to be strong till then...<\3
heartbroken but loveingly,
Kate
Today in church we talked about the temptations (aka testing) of Christ. Sometimes God tests us, right before we are about to do something great for him in the glory of his name. God is putting me through these trials right now to test me, and I do pray that he uses these things for his own good. I hope that through me and my challanges there will be a great victory in the name of the Lord.
Priorities. I need to re-prioritize. I need to focus on God. My family and friends and blessings are slowly fadeing to black. I need to grab on to something sturdy, valid, pure. God. Because with him I will never be alone. And through him, I pray, that the great blessings I once had in my life will come to color once again. I just have to be strong till then...<\3
heartbroken but loveingly,
Kate
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Curse Words
To explain my life, and the changes I've gone through recently I must use 2 of the most profain words in today's language.God recently brought me back into the warmth of his love, by showing me the true meaning of purity. He changed me, and made pure. He showed me the meaning of truly being alone, and showed me how with him I am never alone. He has become my night-light, in a literal and metaphorical sence. I want to be his light and shine out to the world. He has given me the the desire to be a ripend passion fruit of purity and peace for his glory.
Cancer; My stepmom has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. They caught it early on, but we don't quite know what kinda treatment she will be needing. We've all taken quite a hit, so please just keep her and us in ur prayers. She's really strong, and we don't think it's deadly at this point. My stepmom, aka MamaSummer, is an amazing woman, and although she annoys me sometimes, I love her.
A few other things going on atm:
Rodeo season, WHAP exam coming up, hawian cultural awarenss day on friday, did the ELA TAKS test today, Ryan is the SWEETEST man in the world, I'm growing apart from old friends and growing closer to new ones (I honestly am kinda ok with the change and I feel like me and my old friends will circle back around and be friends again.)
Thats Basically it(:
dedicated to MamaSummer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8
Love kate
p.s. I also got to be in a parade last saturday >>>>
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
My Reflection
Today... I was invited to goto christian book club with brittany. It was amazing. I feel like I'm hitting a turning point in my life sorta, and I don't know if I'm just high on God, or life, or starbucks or if this is actually real.
I began to think of what would happen if I were to convert to christianity. Thats when I hit this block of anger and frusteration that I realized has been building up inside me. Why was I so angry? Where did this block come from, and how long has it been there?
I began to search my religious past. I discovered a lonley, heart broken, eigth grade girl sitting in the back of a sanctuary with slits on her wrists, alone. That girl was me. I used to think if God wants me he will send someone to come get me. No one ever came. I was forced to come to church whenever I wasn't busy, and resented it. I felt like I had no control over my life and that being with God wasn't my decision anymore. I managed to blend in, keep quiet, and keep to my self. I wanted to be saved from my darkness, but no one ever came.
I was basically an athiest, but under the name of various dominations of many different religions includeing christian at times. I tried to rededicate my self that summer and ended up being baptised and makeing a friend, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't hungry for God, I just wanted to lose my sadness and numbness.
My relationship with God in the 7th grade was shakey, and it was verry hard to make friends and have support because the church I went to was very big and very cliquey. Yet it was the strongest I ever was. The church and the people in were friendly and kind don't get me wrong, but i just didn't fit in. I've said this before, but the main reason I went to God back then was because I wanted a boyfriend. This afternoon we talked about shallow prayer, and how if ask for the same little things over and over for a long period you aren't growing. I wasn't growing, and for a years EVERY time I prayed, I asked God for a boyfriend. This seems silly, until I realized why I always asked for a bf. I thought that if I had a boyfriend I would be beautiful. I wanted God to make me beautiful, but what I didn't realize is that I was beautiful. All of God's creation are beautiful, and I was his.
I also just wanted to be adored. For someone to think highly of me and love me. To boost my confedance, and be my friend. I should of realized that I already had that in God.
All this (at least for now) is what is the root of my block. I felt ugly, and unwanted, and confused. Going to church for me enhanced these feelings in me, and I blamed on God. I hated him. He didn't want me, and I felt like he made no effort to get me back. He was trying, but i blocked him out. And I'm tryign to tare down this wall and let him back in.
I was secretley aware of this wall, but I figured I could tare it down and let him back in when I was ready. I'm never going to be ready, because I enjoy feeling incontrol. Now, I am out of control because of this bolder i created between me and God and I can't push it away alone. I will never be fully in control, because God's the one that's in control.
I am so thirsty. I want this thing with God again, I've felt it before but only in short bursts. This is: passion. I'm not completly ready to convert and just start magically being a devout christian and such. "You can't convert someone in a day." But I'm intrested in learning, considering, and possibly believing. I still have questions and doubts, and I prolly always will. But I have found a group of passionate people with ideas that can support and that I'm not afraid to talk to because I feel like i'd be judge. They are also my best friends as well. I am excited.
I don't if I have hit all the points I wanted to, but I do want to leave two of my big questions tonight has left me with:
1) When Jesus told the lady at the fountain of the drink of life, he said she would never thirst again. Then why do we constantly have to keep refilling ourselves with God to stay ontop of life?
2) Is the reason that we can rely on God more than things of this world (friends, money, hobbies) is because we can see and feel them and see they are real, and can see when they truly let us down, and God is something thats in ur head or is more of a thought and because we cant see him? I hope you get what I was trying to ask by that cus I'm haveing trouble wording what I was trying to say lol
ttfn
:heart: kate
I began to think of what would happen if I were to convert to christianity. Thats when I hit this block of anger and frusteration that I realized has been building up inside me. Why was I so angry? Where did this block come from, and how long has it been there?
I began to search my religious past. I discovered a lonley, heart broken, eigth grade girl sitting in the back of a sanctuary with slits on her wrists, alone. That girl was me. I used to think if God wants me he will send someone to come get me. No one ever came. I was forced to come to church whenever I wasn't busy, and resented it. I felt like I had no control over my life and that being with God wasn't my decision anymore. I managed to blend in, keep quiet, and keep to my self. I wanted to be saved from my darkness, but no one ever came.
I was basically an athiest, but under the name of various dominations of many different religions includeing christian at times. I tried to rededicate my self that summer and ended up being baptised and makeing a friend, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't hungry for God, I just wanted to lose my sadness and numbness.
My relationship with God in the 7th grade was shakey, and it was verry hard to make friends and have support because the church I went to was very big and very cliquey. Yet it was the strongest I ever was. The church and the people in were friendly and kind don't get me wrong, but i just didn't fit in. I've said this before, but the main reason I went to God back then was because I wanted a boyfriend. This afternoon we talked about shallow prayer, and how if ask for the same little things over and over for a long period you aren't growing. I wasn't growing, and for a years EVERY time I prayed, I asked God for a boyfriend. This seems silly, until I realized why I always asked for a bf. I thought that if I had a boyfriend I would be beautiful. I wanted God to make me beautiful, but what I didn't realize is that I was beautiful. All of God's creation are beautiful, and I was his.
I also just wanted to be adored. For someone to think highly of me and love me. To boost my confedance, and be my friend. I should of realized that I already had that in God.
All this (at least for now) is what is the root of my block. I felt ugly, and unwanted, and confused. Going to church for me enhanced these feelings in me, and I blamed on God. I hated him. He didn't want me, and I felt like he made no effort to get me back. He was trying, but i blocked him out. And I'm tryign to tare down this wall and let him back in.
I was secretley aware of this wall, but I figured I could tare it down and let him back in when I was ready. I'm never going to be ready, because I enjoy feeling incontrol. Now, I am out of control because of this bolder i created between me and God and I can't push it away alone. I will never be fully in control, because God's the one that's in control.
I am so thirsty. I want this thing with God again, I've felt it before but only in short bursts. This is: passion. I'm not completly ready to convert and just start magically being a devout christian and such. "You can't convert someone in a day." But I'm intrested in learning, considering, and possibly believing. I still have questions and doubts, and I prolly always will. But I have found a group of passionate people with ideas that can support and that I'm not afraid to talk to because I feel like i'd be judge. They are also my best friends as well. I am excited.
I don't if I have hit all the points I wanted to, but I do want to leave two of my big questions tonight has left me with:
1) When Jesus told the lady at the fountain of the drink of life, he said she would never thirst again. Then why do we constantly have to keep refilling ourselves with God to stay ontop of life?
2) Is the reason that we can rely on God more than things of this world (friends, money, hobbies) is because we can see and feel them and see they are real, and can see when they truly let us down, and God is something thats in ur head or is more of a thought and because we cant see him? I hope you get what I was trying to ask by that cus I'm haveing trouble wording what I was trying to say lol
ttfn
:heart: kate
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Just Breath
I woke up this morning feeling like this song. Idk, but i woke up and my window was open. The air outside was cool, but not to cold. The sky was blue and the birds were chirping. I finally just... breathed. The fresh air that was streaming through my window filled my loungs, and i realized how long it had been sence I just... breathed. I was forced to see and remember how beautiful life really is. I layed in bed for an hour and a half just marvelling at that moment. I realized how fast my life has been going, I mean not much, much has been going on, but I just never seemed to stop. I've been pushing and pushing my self to do and do, and I never realized how much I've been missing.
I also stopped and examed on my past alittle bit. Let's just say I've made alot of mistakes, and well I haven't exactly excepted them all. Some of them imparticular have been hidden within a grudge in the back of my mind. I have said "I love you," 4 times, and never actually ment it. I made my self believe that I ment it though. One of these times ended up in me going alittle futher in a relationship than, now, I would've hoped. Neither of us were ready and I think I knew deap down inside that I never loved him. I wanted to love him, because he made me feel safe and adored. Something no one had ever made me feel before. But we had no passion, or understanding. I was his world, but he wasn't mine. I regret everything, and I can't seem to let it go. And I realize just now that I can never truly enjoy life until, I can be rid of my regrets. Hopefully this will be the start of letting go of my regrets.
Today is a day to focus on my self. Bother inner and outter. I will attempted to fix the pieces of my self that I have left broken because the edges are sharp. I will also be treating my self to a spa day and turning all contact to the outside world off. Time will not exsist, and in the end I will ask my parents to get me a veggie burger from fudruckers.
ttfn
♥kate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPz3YaIJkjQ
I also stopped and examed on my past alittle bit. Let's just say I've made alot of mistakes, and well I haven't exactly excepted them all. Some of them imparticular have been hidden within a grudge in the back of my mind. I have said "I love you," 4 times, and never actually ment it. I made my self believe that I ment it though. One of these times ended up in me going alittle futher in a relationship than, now, I would've hoped. Neither of us were ready and I think I knew deap down inside that I never loved him. I wanted to love him, because he made me feel safe and adored. Something no one had ever made me feel before. But we had no passion, or understanding. I was his world, but he wasn't mine. I regret everything, and I can't seem to let it go. And I realize just now that I can never truly enjoy life until, I can be rid of my regrets. Hopefully this will be the start of letting go of my regrets.
Today is a day to focus on my self. Bother inner and outter. I will attempted to fix the pieces of my self that I have left broken because the edges are sharp. I will also be treating my self to a spa day and turning all contact to the outside world off. Time will not exsist, and in the end I will ask my parents to get me a veggie burger from fudruckers.
ttfn
♥kate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPz3YaIJkjQ
Friday, February 4, 2011
What is Love?
"I love you", Ryan turned to me and said. I jolted up from my dream. It was 9:30 on a friday, we had the day off because of snow on the road. I don't know why this dream got to me so much, or why i jolted awake like it was a nightmare. I think it symbolizes the mixture of confused emotions that I bare towards those three words. I really want those words to be true for me and Ryan, but I know we still need time. I also think that I jolted awake, because I wanted that moment to be true in reality and not just my dream. I wanted to bring what happend in to reality like when that one chick brought freddie kruegar's hat with her when she woke from her dream. I also think I'm afraid of falling in love as well, mainly because when your in love it hurts more when they leave. I don't him to leave. Even though we've only been together for almost 3 months, I'm utterly and irrevocabley crazy about him. On another note I wanna hang with my friends today, but Idk what to do :/ Because its cold, and blah. Maybe we could all goto my house and play boardgames, or on the wii, or watch a movie. And hot chocolate(: We'll see.
So, my future has been constantly popping up in my head and conversation. I honestly have no idea what I wanna do with my life, job wise. I'm considering interior design, or a striper lol. But real passion would be teaching, idk why. I've always wanted to be a teacher, I'm just worried that I wouldn't make enough money. I also know that I want to be a mommy, really bad. And I want to have alot of kids. For sure two of them have names: Beth for a girl and Leiv for a boy(: Is it sad that they're not even born and I already love them? I want children so bad. I also know that I don't want to have kids or get married until after college, and that I for sure am going to college. I don't want to have to do community college though, so i have to work really hard in school. My main options are SHSU or A&M, preferable A&M lol. That's all I know.
So now I have some questions for those out there who actually read my blog, and I expect comments/texts/PMs in response, please?
Firstly:
What is love?
What does it mean to you?
What is you definition of Love?
Seccondly:
What is parental love?
What does it mean to you?
What would someone have to do to be a loving parent to you?
Thirdly:
What is friendship love?
What does it mean to you?
What does one have to do to be a loveing friend to you?
Lastly:
What is relationship love?
What does it mean to you?
What does one have to do to be a loveing boyfriend/girlfriend to you?
Valnetines day is comming up and I'm really excited, because it will be my first valentines day with a boyfriend, and its Ryan's first witha girlfriend :D But its got me thinking about all this mushy love stuff, so...I'm curious(:
ttfn
♥Kate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq00WtzbcDU&feature=related
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Only thing to do is Jump Over the Moon...
I am an adolesant. Acne ridden, mistake makieng, hormone rageing. Im a chick. I change my mind, I can't decide, I freak out. They always said life is full of ups and downs, but I never knew things could be up and down at the same time.
DOWN: My two best friends, who I haven't mentioned in this blog now that I think about it. Franki and Regan. They've been through hell and back with me. We've changed, we've fought, we've grew. But we always manage to be friends again in the end.
I truly belive that how things are and will be. They are sometimes way to much like my sister, but I love them to death. Here recently, Franki, has been texting me asking what I've thought about our friendship and If I still wanna be friends. I will always want to be their friend, but here recently we have gr
own apart soemwhat because I'm getting closer to Anna and Brittany. I don't want to lose them, ever. But I cant help that I'm gettign closer to someone else, or just stop it from happening. I feel like I'm being asked to chose between the two and Idk what to do about that. I love all four of them. She is expecting me to make up my mind, but Idwt. I just want them bothe to be my friend. I'm just really confused. I mean 
we do have our problems, everyone does. I don't trust them as much as I used to, idk why. The tend to make me feel like a frog being disected when ever I make a mistake or tell them things. and they get mad whenever I speak my mind. I trust that we will always be friends or end up friends, but if they are starting not to think so it makes me question my belief. I guess I'll just sit it out snd see what happens.
UP: Me and Ryan are doing really well. He so cute and I love to be around him(: I might be going for my level 4 in SPURS soon. Solo and Ensemble soon.. (nervous) Anna and Brittany are two of my besties(: Moose is my daughter. Life is basically good(:
♥Kate
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The greatest thing you will ever learn...
SO.... I had a bunch of ideas for this blog and i forgot most of them. And the ones I wrote down don't really matter to me any more. Alot has happended this week and its only wednesday.
My first topic of conversation is about one of the scariest words in the english Dictionary. LOVE. "Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!" (Christian, Moulin Rouge) It's funny how we throw the word love into random conversation. I love fried chicken, I love that movie, I love this couch. Deap down inside we all know we dont LOVE these things, but its just a thought. I was once (what I call) an "i-love-you-slut". I'd say I love you on the first day, maybe the first week, or sometimes I'd wait a few weeks. But looking back it was all too soon. Saying "i love you" too soon, always lead me to hurt or regret. I see LOVE differently now. It kills me inside trying to break the habit of saying I love you when I dont mean it, sometimes on accident. Now you all know Ryan. We've been together for two months and we still haven't said I love you yet. So yesterday I decided to "pop-the-question"
"Do you love me?" I asked.
"No" he said.
Ryan has never told anyone outside his family that he LOVES them. This kinda makes me proud of him, and jelous that I am not that way. I'm not gonna lie, when he said NO it hurt ALOT. But after talking about it I see things from his point of view. "No matter how bad you want something, you gotta wait for other things to happen first. Nothing can just be handed to you and nothing can just appear out of mid air. Paitience is what needs to happen, no matter how badly you want something :( ): Cause and effect... Learn from the Past, Live for the Present, Lean to the Future ...Everything you want will happen, just give it time :)" (Ryan, Facebook). LOVE is not just a play toy. It's real. It's pure. It's not to be taken lightly. Even though we've been together for a long-ish while, our more serious feelings are just buds, not quite ready to be in full bloom. Even though I didn't get a yes, we still found how about how strong the others feeling were for the other. And there's something there, but its not quite LOVE. Yet, any way. Its funny. Ryan's teaching me things about LOVE and we're not even in it. He's taught me the seriousness of it, and has helped me not to be an "i-love-you-slut". We just need time, even if it makes me sad now, and when we finally do say it, it will mean so much more than any other "I love you" that has ever escaped my lips. "The greastest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." (Christian, Moulin Rouge).
For those who have yet to find their future love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18gDQU2gNkg
♥Kate
My first topic of conversation is about one of the scariest words in the english Dictionary. LOVE. "Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!" (Christian, Moulin Rouge) It's funny how we throw the word love into random conversation. I love fried chicken, I love that movie, I love this couch. Deap down inside we all know we dont LOVE these things, but its just a thought. I was once (what I call) an "i-love-you-slut". I'd say I love you on the first day, maybe the first week, or sometimes I'd wait a few weeks. But looking back it was all too soon. Saying "i love you" too soon, always lead me to hurt or regret. I see LOVE differently now. It kills me inside trying to break the habit of saying I love you when I dont mean it, sometimes on accident. Now you all know Ryan. We've been together for two months and we still haven't said I love you yet. So yesterday I decided to "pop-the-question"
"Do you love me?" I asked.
"No" he said.
Ryan has never told anyone outside his family that he LOVES them. This kinda makes me proud of him, and jelous that I am not that way. I'm not gonna lie, when he said NO it hurt ALOT. But after talking about it I see things from his point of view. "No matter how bad you want something, you gotta wait for other things to happen first. Nothing can just be handed to you and nothing can just appear out of mid air. Paitience is what needs to happen, no matter how badly you want something :( ): Cause and effect... Learn from the Past, Live for the Present, Lean to the Future ...Everything you want will happen, just give it time :)" (Ryan, Facebook). LOVE is not just a play toy. It's real. It's pure. It's not to be taken lightly. Even though we've been together for a long-ish while, our more serious feelings are just buds, not quite ready to be in full bloom. Even though I didn't get a yes, we still found how about how strong the others feeling were for the other. And there's something there, but its not quite LOVE. Yet, any way. Its funny. Ryan's teaching me things about LOVE and we're not even in it. He's taught me the seriousness of it, and has helped me not to be an "i-love-you-slut". We just need time, even if it makes me sad now, and when we finally do say it, it will mean so much more than any other "I love you" that has ever escaped my lips. "The greastest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." (Christian, Moulin Rouge).
For those who have yet to find their future love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18gDQU2gNkg
♥Kate
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Less than atrractive
I am going to start this off alittle ugly, because some times life is ugly. I am 5'3", 15 years old, and 205 lbs. People say I don't look it, but its the undenyable truth. I am on the verge of diabetes, and I'm very unhealthy. I am scared. I don't really think about it alot, but I am. I have to change eating habits, before food becomes the death of me, litterally. I'm currently working clearign the junk out of my life and growing to my full potential. I just recently cleaned the cess-pitt that was my bed room. I need to lose weight, and I need to get healthy again. I need to stop burryign my problems for later.My friend, Brittany, wants me to start going to church with her and I want to go, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to rededicate my self to christianity. I haven't talked to God in months and I'm hesitant to come to him and talk to him as well as face all my sin and confusion. I talked about my religous beliefs yesterday, but they are really in trully shakey and underdeveloped. They also change daily. I am just not sure if I am ready to come to God
.On the bright side my last blog sparked a long and deap comnversation with Ryan :D, I'm so glad he's not one of those guys thats affraid to theorise and question, and well...THINK! We really conected on a deaper level and that makes me really happy(: He understands me, and thats what I like about him. We also talked about prom, which got me super excited(: I reeally hope we stay together so that we can go to both of our proms(: Another reason I want to lose weight is so I can fit into my perfrect dress(:
That's all I have to say for now. I really need to catch up on some homework. Oh! I almost forgot, I talked to my mom about being homeschool and she said that it's a joke and I wouldn't learn anything :/ welp ttfn!
What do you think of this>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Losing My Religion
I am home sick today, and it kind of makes me want to be home schooled. Just a thought. I mean I don't even hang with friends much at school. And with my ADHD I don't get much learning done anyway. I feel like I'd get more out of homeschool.
That is not the point of this entry though. The point of it is that beautifully hot topic of religion. I've tried to tell my self I'm just not a religous person, but the fact is thats a lie. People say you shouldn't speak of religion because some one will get offended, or it will bring about unessisary conflict. I love talking and listening to people's views and beliefs on lifes greater powers. The more we talk, I feel, the closer we get to an actual conclusion. I also enjoy listening to the different things people believe and compareing, adding, or changeing my beliefs. I am going to start my religous explaintion by takeing you through a journey of my testamony, I guess you could call it.
I started becomeing really close to God at a church camp that summer between 6th and 7th grades. It was one of the most moving spiritual experiances of my life. I was shy and didn't make many friends other than my counselors (who I never saw again after camp) and God. My camp group got really close spiritually, but I never became friends with any of them. Once 7th grade roled around I started attending church regularlly (sunday morning, wednesday night, sunday after noon, etc). You could say I was a strong christian, but I still had trouble makeing friends which made it hard to stay strong. Don't get me wrong they were all very friendly, but it was such a large church and cliques tended to form and there never seemed to be room for me in them. I was awkward and a tomboy, but not into sports. They were all pretty, and preppy, and athletic.
I remained very active in the church, and over the after 7th grade I had planned to go on a missions trip to matamoris mexico. Right before the trip though I had a religious discussion with one of my very close friends, who happend to be mormon. He explained how mormon believed in God, and Jesus, and how the only way to get to heavan is through excepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior. He also explain the different levels of heavan, which I may go into later, and alot of other things that don't remeber enough to explain at this time. I was very intreged. I very much considered converting. I stuggled with this though alot. Things went on as planned. I went to matamoris and it was one of the most amazing spiritual experiances of my life. I still talk about it all the time. While I was there I talked to one of the adults at my church about my experiance with my Mormon friend. She basically told me Mormonism is blasphemy and colt. I was left confused. My trip to matamoris also left me questioning my baptist community I had been a part of for so long. If the core of our faith was that the only way to heavan was inviting Jesus to come into you heart, and thats what mormons and catholics (in matamoris we had prayed for Jesus to come into the heart of catholics even tho catholasism is a form christiany) believed then why do we think they won't be allowed into heavan as well?
This was the begining of a dark swirling circle of doubt. I began my research into the mormon faith. I looked on websites, and talked to people. Sometimes I'd ask my parents questions, and I seriously thought about telling them about my considerations, but I never did.
8th grade was a hard year for me. I got really into the whole "emo" scene. I was depressed, but I never really had a reason to. I cutt, but I never really had a reason to other than my own self pitty and lack of confedecne. I wore too much eye linner, and -gulp- purple skinny jeans. FOB, and PATD, and simple plan were the core of my playlist. Yeah, I was one of those girls. I loved all to rash and strongly. And fell into my own reality with this guy named Sean. He was my world for 5 months until it came crashing down. I cried more than I'm proud to say, and actaully tried to stop cutting in hopes that he'd like me again. I also had stopped goign to church as much because I was apart of this voluterr program called SPURS (which is awesoem an amazing experiance that I will get into later) that lasted from friday night till sunday after so I couldnt really goto church on sundays. Plus I had lost alot of intrest in church, and God, and religion. I only cared about love, and music, and pain. I eventually became numb. I numb as a human beeing could be. I cutt again, "cause I'd rather feel pain hen nothing at all". I was still not over Sean, but I wanted to be soooo badly. It didn't help that around the same time me and Sean broke up my mom broke-up with her bf too. I think that made it worse for me.
Church camp finally rolled around. I was hopeing that this experiance would break me out of my numbness, and tempararly it did. I went to camp planning to rededicate my self to Christ. I became close friends with this one girl who I'd known for years. It was a fun experiance and good chance to get out of the house. But as soon as camp was over, I went back to being numb. My numbness was rarely about Sean anymore. It was more about finding my self again, and snapping back to reality. I dabbled in buddhism, and learned lots of things about meditation. By the end of the summer I had gone back to researching mormonism.
Freshmen year was a new experiance for me. I became my self again, and learned new things about me. A new friend gave me a book of mormon, which I tried to read, but found the wording complicated and hard to navigate through. This was also when I came out as a bi. My views on life were scewed. People dont really except a bi mormon. Religion eventually came a blur of IDK as I worked on who I was, and creating the foundations for my highschool career.
Eventually my friend's boyfriend introduced me to Wikka. He explained how everything has a life force, and the two main Gods one of them being the earth. He explained couplets and how you basically pray by casting circles. This lead me to do lots of research. This was a completely new concept for me, and I wanted to try it for my self. I had planned to cast a circle of my own, but never got a chance too.
Alot of my religious reseaches ended before I actually got a chance to experiance them fully, because I am afriad to talk to most people outside the bestfriend relm about my doubts and curiousity. The is the first time I've really come into contact with my own religous past, and in a public place at that. Out of each experiance came a new view or belief that I now incorporate into what I believe, or my view on religion.
Firstly, I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins because no one is free of sin, and sin is human nature. I believe that by accepting this truth above all you are under the protection of God. I beleive if we die with Jesus in our heart we got heavan. I beleive heavan is like the buddhist Nirvana. When we die I believe we become one, and apart of the holy spirit. I believe God gives not believers seccond chances. I believe the only way to Hell is to sin for the sake of sinning. I believe God accepts all form of worship as long as they are for him, but does not forsake those who believe in false deities, but is willing to give them many chances to get to know him in this life and the next. God forgives. God never gives up. God loves all creation.
Insp for title:
That is not the point of this entry though. The point of it is that beautifully hot topic of religion. I've tried to tell my self I'm just not a religous person, but the fact is thats a lie. People say you shouldn't speak of religion because some one will get offended, or it will bring about unessisary conflict. I love talking and listening to people's views and beliefs on lifes greater powers. The more we talk, I feel, the closer we get to an actual conclusion. I also enjoy listening to the different things people believe and compareing, adding, or changeing my beliefs. I am going to start my religous explaintion by takeing you through a journey of my testamony, I guess you could call it.
I started becomeing really close to God at a church camp that summer between 6th and 7th grades. It was one of the most moving spiritual experiances of my life. I was shy and didn't make many friends other than my counselors (who I never saw again after camp) and God. My camp group got really close spiritually, but I never became friends with any of them. Once 7th grade roled around I started attending church regularlly (sunday morning, wednesday night, sunday after noon, etc). You could say I was a strong christian, but I still had trouble makeing friends which made it hard to stay strong. Don't get me wrong they were all very friendly, but it was such a large church and cliques tended to form and there never seemed to be room for me in them. I was awkward and a tomboy, but not into sports. They were all pretty, and preppy, and athletic.
I remained very active in the church, and over the after 7th grade I had planned to go on a missions trip to matamoris mexico. Right before the trip though I had a religious discussion with one of my very close friends, who happend to be mormon. He explained how mormon believed in God, and Jesus, and how the only way to get to heavan is through excepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior. He also explain the different levels of heavan, which I may go into later, and alot of other things that don't remeber enough to explain at this time. I was very intreged. I very much considered converting. I stuggled with this though alot. Things went on as planned. I went to matamoris and it was one of the most amazing spiritual experiances of my life. I still talk about it all the time. While I was there I talked to one of the adults at my church about my experiance with my Mormon friend. She basically told me Mormonism is blasphemy and colt. I was left confused. My trip to matamoris also left me questioning my baptist community I had been a part of for so long. If the core of our faith was that the only way to heavan was inviting Jesus to come into you heart, and thats what mormons and catholics (in matamoris we had prayed for Jesus to come into the heart of catholics even tho catholasism is a form christiany) believed then why do we think they won't be allowed into heavan as well?
This was the begining of a dark swirling circle of doubt. I began my research into the mormon faith. I looked on websites, and talked to people. Sometimes I'd ask my parents questions, and I seriously thought about telling them about my considerations, but I never did.
8th grade was a hard year for me. I got really into the whole "emo" scene. I was depressed, but I never really had a reason to. I cutt, but I never really had a reason to other than my own self pitty and lack of confedecne. I wore too much eye linner, and -gulp- purple skinny jeans. FOB, and PATD, and simple plan were the core of my playlist. Yeah, I was one of those girls. I loved all to rash and strongly. And fell into my own reality with this guy named Sean. He was my world for 5 months until it came crashing down. I cried more than I'm proud to say, and actaully tried to stop cutting in hopes that he'd like me again. I also had stopped goign to church as much because I was apart of this voluterr program called SPURS (which is awesoem an amazing experiance that I will get into later) that lasted from friday night till sunday after so I couldnt really goto church on sundays. Plus I had lost alot of intrest in church, and God, and religion. I only cared about love, and music, and pain. I eventually became numb. I numb as a human beeing could be. I cutt again, "cause I'd rather feel pain hen nothing at all". I was still not over Sean, but I wanted to be soooo badly. It didn't help that around the same time me and Sean broke up my mom broke-up with her bf too. I think that made it worse for me.
Church camp finally rolled around. I was hopeing that this experiance would break me out of my numbness, and tempararly it did. I went to camp planning to rededicate my self to Christ. I became close friends with this one girl who I'd known for years. It was a fun experiance and good chance to get out of the house. But as soon as camp was over, I went back to being numb. My numbness was rarely about Sean anymore. It was more about finding my self again, and snapping back to reality. I dabbled in buddhism, and learned lots of things about meditation. By the end of the summer I had gone back to researching mormonism.
Freshmen year was a new experiance for me. I became my self again, and learned new things about me. A new friend gave me a book of mormon, which I tried to read, but found the wording complicated and hard to navigate through. This was also when I came out as a bi. My views on life were scewed. People dont really except a bi mormon. Religion eventually came a blur of IDK as I worked on who I was, and creating the foundations for my highschool career.
Eventually my friend's boyfriend introduced me to Wikka. He explained how everything has a life force, and the two main Gods one of them being the earth. He explained couplets and how you basically pray by casting circles. This lead me to do lots of research. This was a completely new concept for me, and I wanted to try it for my self. I had planned to cast a circle of my own, but never got a chance too.
Alot of my religious reseaches ended before I actually got a chance to experiance them fully, because I am afriad to talk to most people outside the bestfriend relm about my doubts and curiousity. The is the first time I've really come into contact with my own religous past, and in a public place at that. Out of each experiance came a new view or belief that I now incorporate into what I believe, or my view on religion.
Firstly, I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins because no one is free of sin, and sin is human nature. I believe that by accepting this truth above all you are under the protection of God. I beleive if we die with Jesus in our heart we got heavan. I beleive heavan is like the buddhist Nirvana. When we die I believe we become one, and apart of the holy spirit. I believe God gives not believers seccond chances. I believe the only way to Hell is to sin for the sake of sinning. I believe God accepts all form of worship as long as they are for him, but does not forsake those who believe in false deities, but is willing to give them many chances to get to know him in this life and the next. God forgives. God never gives up. God loves all creation.
Insp for title:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if-UzXIQ5vw&ob=av3el
Insp for life:
Insp for life:
Peace, Love, and Hope!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
An Insp.
http://800subjectnotebook.blogspot.com/2011/01/when-i-was-beautiful.html
This here is an insp. I wanted to answer and reflect on some of the subjects brought up in this entry, because it really got me thinking. Firstly, it reminded me of a poem-ish-thing I wrote in 7th-ish grade which I will find momentarily (time elapses). I always have trouble posting anything I write because I only see it as silly wishful venting, but I'm going to grow a pair and do this anyway:
PRETTY IS NOT SO PRETTY
When other girls watched Kim Possible
I watched Gilmore Girls
When other kids learned how to ride a bike
I learned how to play the drums
When most girls played barbies
I was a "secrete agent"
I was my own person.
Then I swent to public school
Everything hit me at once
There was, the pretties
I stopped likeing what I saw in the mirror
I tried to change myself to fit in
Using Televison as my guide
I began to lose who I was
I forgot who I was
Im remember the tears keeping me awake at night
In 6th grade I gave up,
pretty wasn't for me.
Then I learned the true meaning of friendship.
They showed me reality
They showed me how ugly pretty is
I relized and regreted who I'd been
Pretty isn't happiness.
Since then I've been recreateing myself
but it's hard
Sometimes I feel fake,
which is worse then pretty.
I can't do it alone,
but thats why I have
my true friends.
It's kind of lame, but looking back I relized the irony. Specially seeing who the true friends then are now. I remember being 12. I remember longing for a first kiss, a first love. How innocent.
It's all I cared about. This was, infact, the first year I had true friends. Which seems rather lame on my part, but its true. I had never had someone to talk to that understand me, my problems, and my boy-crazyness. Everything on earth was so new. Then I remember the ignorance and blindness. I had so much in the world going for me, but I never new it. All I could see was my desparation for adoration, because I based my self-worth on what boys thought of me. I used to pray to God each night and at church that SOMEONE would just love me. I'm glad this is no longer the center of my life or religous devotion. Although my relious devotion consists of agnostic.
Another thing I realized is we are constantly creating and recreating ourselves, weither we realize it not. I still don't fully understand my self, and I don't plan on it. I'm proud to say IDK who the F I am. I leave my about me section blank, always because I don't really know what to put. My mood changes hourly, and so does my perspective on life. Cause It only takes a moment to make you question your entire exsistance. Heck, I had no idea where this blog was going and I still don't.
I used to write alot when I was younger, and I really miss that because now I hardly write at all. I just never have time, or the insp, or I get to caught up in characterization. Back then I used to write freaking novels! Then i remember that most of those were wishful fan fictions of reality created out of my desparation and lack of self-confidence. If you'd like me to post any of these I'll gladly type and post them here, but you probably don't want to cause I wasn't a very strong writer back then lol.
On another note I am starting to get on the weightwatchers program, and I'd like to ask for as much support as I can get. I have a daily blog about the diet itself and how people affect my dieting lol the link is here:
http://community.weightwatchers.com/Blogs/UserBlog.aspx?blogid=1059959
tffn!!
This here is an insp. I wanted to answer and reflect on some of the subjects brought up in this entry, because it really got me thinking. Firstly, it reminded me of a poem-ish-thing I wrote in 7th-ish grade which I will find momentarily (time elapses). I always have trouble posting anything I write because I only see it as silly wishful venting, but I'm going to grow a pair and do this anyway:
PRETTY IS NOT SO PRETTY
When other girls watched Kim Possible
I watched Gilmore Girls
When other kids learned how to ride a bike
I learned how to play the drums
When most girls played barbies
I was a "secrete agent"
I was my own person.
Then I swent to public school
Everything hit me at once
There was, the pretties
I stopped likeing what I saw in the mirror
I tried to change myself to fit in
Using Televison as my guide
I began to lose who I was
I forgot who I was
Im remember the tears keeping me awake at night
In 6th grade I gave up,
pretty wasn't for me.
Then I learned the true meaning of friendship.
They showed me reality
They showed me how ugly pretty is
I relized and regreted who I'd been
Pretty isn't happiness.
Since then I've been recreateing myself
but it's hard
Sometimes I feel fake,
which is worse then pretty.
I can't do it alone,
but thats why I have
my true friends.
It's kind of lame, but looking back I relized the irony. Specially seeing who the true friends then are now. I remember being 12. I remember longing for a first kiss, a first love. How innocent.
It's all I cared about. This was, infact, the first year I had true friends. Which seems rather lame on my part, but its true. I had never had someone to talk to that understand me, my problems, and my boy-crazyness. Everything on earth was so new. Then I remember the ignorance and blindness. I had so much in the world going for me, but I never new it. All I could see was my desparation for adoration, because I based my self-worth on what boys thought of me. I used to pray to God each night and at church that SOMEONE would just love me. I'm glad this is no longer the center of my life or religous devotion. Although my relious devotion consists of agnostic.
Another thing I realized is we are constantly creating and recreating ourselves, weither we realize it not. I still don't fully understand my self, and I don't plan on it. I'm proud to say IDK who the F I am. I leave my about me section blank, always because I don't really know what to put. My mood changes hourly, and so does my perspective on life. Cause It only takes a moment to make you question your entire exsistance. Heck, I had no idea where this blog was going and I still don't.
I used to write alot when I was younger, and I really miss that because now I hardly write at all. I just never have time, or the insp, or I get to caught up in characterization. Back then I used to write freaking novels! Then i remember that most of those were wishful fan fictions of reality created out of my desparation and lack of self-confidence. If you'd like me to post any of these I'll gladly type and post them here, but you probably don't want to cause I wasn't a very strong writer back then lol.
On another note I am starting to get on the weightwatchers program, and I'd like to ask for as much support as I can get. I have a daily blog about the diet itself and how people affect my dieting lol the link is here:
http://community.weightwatchers.com/Blogs/UserBlog.aspx?blogid=1059959
tffn!!
Do I live here?
SO, I got home from handing with Anna and Brittany and there were pencil shaveings all over my bathroom floor, and my mom had died her hair. Was I really away that long? The light in my bedroom wont turn on either. SO, now that I actually have friends on here I'm going to try and blog more, and maybe I'll end up turning this into something deap and philosophical instead of lame and random. I should probably be doing WHAP notes atm but I'm not. I really hope that I can hang with Ryan on friday. We're planing on going to a late night showing of the Green Hornet with friends and having dinner before. I kinda want my two friends , Anna and Brittany, to be with Ryan's two friends, Mark and Glenn. So thats it for now, ttfn!
An Update
So I havent posted in a while and I'm terrably sorry. The holiday season was busy, but went by too fast. Before I knew it, it was finals week which I ended up doing pretty ok on with 4 As 2
Bs and a 61 in WHAP which is okay because its an AP. I also just recently got closer to 2 of the awesomest people in the world; Brittany and Anna! I've also become obsesed with RENT, and for my gold award project I want to put on my own RENT show and donate the money to the AIDS foundation and Homeless people(: Me and Ryan just hit our 2month mark (which was celebrated with lazer tag and gokarts) and are doing pretty awesome(: Alot of other things have happend to but I'd take too long to type :P Se La Vie!
Bs and a 61 in WHAP which is okay because its an AP. I also just recently got closer to 2 of the awesomest people in the world; Brittany and Anna! I've also become obsesed with RENT, and for my gold award project I want to put on my own RENT show and donate the money to the AIDS foundation and Homeless people(: Me and Ryan just hit our 2month mark (which was celebrated with lazer tag and gokarts) and are doing pretty awesome(: Alot of other things have happend to but I'd take too long to type :P Se La Vie!
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