An Insp.

http://800subjectnotebook.blogspot.com/2011/01/when-i-was-beautiful.html

This here is an insp. I wanted to answer and reflect on some of the subjects brought up in this entry, because it really got me thinking. Firstly, it reminded me of a poem-ish-thing I wrote in 7th-ish grade which I will find momentarily (time elapses). I always have trouble posting anything I write because I only see it as silly wishful venting, but I'm going to grow a pair and do this anyway:

PRETTY IS NOT SO PRETTY

When other girls watched Kim Possible
I watched Gilmore Girls
When other kids learned how to ride a bike
I learned how to play the drums
When most girls played barbies
I was a "secrete agent"
I was my own person.
Then I swent to public school
Everything hit me at once
There was, the pretties
I stopped likeing what I saw in the mirror
I tried to change myself to fit in
Using Televison as my guide
I began to lose who I was
I forgot who I was
Im remember the tears keeping me awake at night
In 6th grade I gave up,
pretty wasn't for me.
Then I learned the true meaning of friendship.
They showed me reality
They showed me how ugly pretty is
I relized and regreted who I'd been
Pretty isn't happiness.
Since then I've been recreateing myself
but it's hard
Sometimes I feel fake,
which is worse then pretty.
I can't do it alone,
but thats why I have
my true friends.

It's kind of lame, but looking back I relized the irony. Specially seeing who the true friends then are now. I remember being 12. I remember longing for a first kiss, a first love. How innocent.
It's all I cared about. This was, infact, the first year I had true friends. Which seems rather lame on my part, but its true. I had never had someone to talk to that understand me, my problems, and my boy-crazyness. Everything on earth was so new. Then I remember the ignorance and blindness. I had so much in the world going for me, but I never new it. All I could see was my desparation for adoration, because I based my self-worth on what boys thought of me. I used to pray to God each night and at church that SOMEONE would just love me. I'm glad this is no longer the center of my life or religous devotion. Although my relious devotion consists of agnostic.

Another thing I realized is we are constantly creating and recreating ourselves, weither we realize it not. I still don't fully understand my self, and I don't plan on it. I'm proud to say IDK who the F I am. I leave my about me section blank, always because I don't really know what to put. My mood changes hourly, and so does my perspective on life. Cause It only takes a moment to make you question your entire exsistance. Heck, I had no idea where this blog was going and I still don't.

I used to write alot when I was younger, and I really miss that because now I hardly write at all. I just never have time, or the insp, or I get to caught up in characterization. Back then I used to write freaking novels! Then i remember that most of those were wishful fan fictions of reality created out of my desparation and lack of self-confidence. If you'd like me to post any of these I'll gladly type and post them here, but you probably don't want to cause I wasn't a very strong writer back then lol.

On another note I am starting to get on the weightwatchers program, and I'd like to ask for as much support as I can get. I have a daily blog about the diet itself and how people affect my dieting lol the link is here:


http://community.weightwatchers.com/Blogs/UserBlog.aspx?blogid=1059959

tffn!!