Only thing to do is Jump Over the Moon...

I am an adolesant. Acne ridden, mistake makieng, hormone rageing. Im a chick. I change my mind, I can't decide, I freak out. They always said life is full of ups and downs, but I never knew things could be up and down at the same time.

DOWN: My two best friends, who I haven't mentioned in this blog now that I think about it. Franki and Regan. They've been through hell and back with me. We've changed, we've fought, we've grew. But we always manage to be friends again in the end. I truly belive that how things are and will be. They are sometimes way to much like my sister, but I love them to death. Here recently, Franki, has been texting me asking what I've thought about our friendship and If I still wanna be friends. I will always want to be their friend, but here recently we have grown apart soemwhat because I'm getting closer to Anna and Brittany. I don't want to lose them, ever. But I cant help that I'm gettign closer to someone else, or just stop it from happening. I feel like I'm being asked to chose between the two and Idk what to do about that. I love all four of them. She is expecting me to make up my mind, but Idwt. I just want them bothe to be my friend. I'm just really confused. I mean we do have our problems, everyone does. I don't trust them as much as I used to, idk why. The tend to make me feel like a frog being disected when ever I make a mistake or tell them things. and they get mad whenever I speak my mind. I trust that we will always be friends or end up friends, but if they are starting not to think so it makes me question my belief. I guess I'll just sit it out snd see what happens.

UP: Me and Ryan are doing really well. He so cute and I love to be around him(: I might be going for my level 4 in SPURS soon. Solo and Ensemble soon.. (nervous) Anna and Brittany are two of my besties(: Moose is my daughter. Life is basically good(:

♥Kate

The greatest thing you will ever learn...

SO.... I had a bunch of ideas for this blog and i forgot most of them. And the ones I wrote down don't really matter to me any more. Alot has happended this week and its only wednesday.

My first topic of conversation is about one of the scariest words in the english Dictionary. LOVE. "Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love!" (Christian, Moulin Rouge) It's funny how we throw the word love into random conversation. I love fried chicken, I love that movie, I love this couch. Deap down inside we all know we dont LOVE these things, but its just a thought. I was once (what I call) an "i-love-you-slut". I'd say I love you on the first day, maybe the first week, or sometimes I'd wait a few weeks. But looking back it was all too soon. Saying "i love you" too soon, always lead me to hurt or regret. I see LOVE differently now. It kills me inside trying to break the habit of saying I love you when I dont mean it, sometimes on accident. Now you all know Ryan. We've been together for two months and we still haven't said I love you yet. So yesterday I decided to "pop-the-question"

"Do you love me?" I asked.
"No" he said.

Ryan has never told anyone outside his family that he LOVES them. This kinda makes me proud of him, and jelous that I am not that way. I'm not gonna lie, when he said NO it hurt ALOT. But after talking about it I see things from his point of view. "No matter how bad you want something, you gotta wait for other things to happen first. Nothing can just be handed to you and nothing can just appear out of mid air. Paitience is what needs to happen, no matter how badly you want something :( ): Cause and effect... Learn from the Past, Live for the Present, Lean to the Future ...Everything you want will happen, just give it time :)" (Ryan, Facebook). LOVE is not just a play toy. It's real. It's pure. It's not to be taken lightly. Even though we've been together for a long-ish while, our more serious feelings are just buds, not quite ready to be in full bloom. Even though I didn't get a yes, we still found how about how strong the others feeling were for the other. And there's something there, but its not quite LOVE. Yet, any way. Its funny. Ryan's teaching me things about LOVE and we're not even in it. He's taught me the seriousness of it, and has helped me not to be an "i-love-you-slut". We just need time, even if it makes me sad now, and when we finally do say it, it will mean so much more than any other "I love you" that has ever escaped my lips. "The greastest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." (Christian, Moulin Rouge).

For those who have yet to find their future love:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18gDQU2gNkg

♥Kate

Less than atrractive

I am going to start this off alittle ugly, because some times life is ugly. I am 5'3", 15 years old, and 205 lbs. People say I don't look it, but its the undenyable truth. I am on the verge of diabetes, and I'm very unhealthy. I am scared. I don't really think about it alot, but I am. I have to change eating habits, before food becomes the death of me, litterally. I'm currently working clearign the junk out of my life and growing to my full potential. I just recently cleaned the cess-pitt that was my bed room. I need to lose weight, and I need to get healthy again. I need to stop burryign my problems for later.

My friend, Brittany, wants me to start going to church with her and I want to go, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to rededicate my self to christianity. I haven't talked to God in months and I'm hesitant to come to him and talk to him as well as face all my sin and confusion. I talked about my religous beliefs yesterday, but they are really in trully shakey and underdeveloped. They also change daily. I am just not sure if I am ready to come to God.

On the bright side my last blog sparked a long and deap comnversation with Ryan :D, I'm so glad he's not one of those guys thats affraid to theorise and question, and well...THINK! We really conected on a deaper level and that makes me really happy(: He understands me, and thats what I like about him. We also talked about prom, which got me super excited(: I reeally hope we stay together so that we can go to both of our proms(: Another reason I want to lose weight is so I can fit into my perfrect dress(:

That's all I have to say for now. I really need to catch up on some homework. Oh! I almost forgot, I talked to my mom about being homeschool and she said that it's a joke and I wouldn't learn anything :/ welp ttfn!

What do you think of this>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Losing My Religion

I am home sick today, and it kind of makes me want to be home schooled. Just a thought. I mean I don't even hang with friends much at school. And with my ADHD I don't get much learning done anyway. I feel like I'd get more out of homeschool.

That is not the point of this entry though. The point of it is that beautifully hot topic of religion. I've tried to tell my self I'm just not a religous person, but the fact is thats a lie. People say you shouldn't speak of religion because some one will get offended, or it will bring about unessisary conflict. I love talking and listening to people's views and beliefs on lifes greater powers. The more we talk, I feel, the closer we get to an actual conclusion. I also enjoy listening to the different things people believe and compareing, adding, or changeing my beliefs. I am going to start my religous explaintion by takeing you through a journey of my testamony, I guess you could call it.

I started becomeing really close to God at a church camp that summer between 6th and 7th grades. It was one of the most moving spiritual experiances of my life. I was shy and didn't make many friends other than my counselors (who I never saw again after camp) and God. My camp group got really close spiritually, but I never became friends with any of them. Once 7th grade roled around I started attending church regularlly (sunday morning, wednesday night, sunday after noon, etc). You could say I was a strong christian, but I still had trouble makeing friends which made it hard to stay strong. Don't get me wrong they were all very friendly, but it was such a large church and cliques tended to form and there never seemed to be room for me in them. I was awkward and a tomboy, but not into sports. They were all pretty, and preppy, and athletic.

I remained very active in the church, and over the after 7th grade I had planned to go on a missions trip to matamoris mexico. Right before the trip though I had a religious discussion with one of my very close friends, who happend to be mormon. He explained how mormon believed in God, and Jesus, and how the only way to get to heavan is through excepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior. He also explain the different levels of heavan, which I may go into later, and alot of other things that don't remeber enough to explain at this time. I was very intreged. I very much considered converting. I stuggled with this though alot. Things went on as planned. I went to matamoris and it was one of the most amazing spiritual experiances of my life. I still talk about it all the time. While I was there I talked to one of the adults at my church about my experiance with my Mormon friend. She basically told me Mormonism is blasphemy and colt. I was left confused. My trip to matamoris also left me questioning my baptist community I had been a part of for so long. If the core of our faith was that the only way to heavan was inviting Jesus to come into you heart, and thats what mormons and catholics (in matamoris we had prayed for Jesus to come into the heart of catholics even tho catholasism is a form christiany) believed then why do we think they won't be allowed into heavan as well?

This was the begining of a dark swirling circle of doubt. I began my research into the mormon faith. I looked on websites, and talked to people. Sometimes I'd ask my parents questions, and I seriously thought about telling them about my considerations, but I never did.

8th grade was a hard year for me. I got really into the whole "emo" scene. I was depressed, but I never really had a reason to. I cutt, but I never really had a reason to other than my own self pitty and lack of confedecne. I wore too much eye linner, and -gulp- purple skinny jeans. FOB, and PATD, and simple plan were the core of my playlist. Yeah, I was one of those girls. I loved all to rash and strongly. And fell into my own reality with this guy named Sean. He was my world for 5 months until it came crashing down. I cried more than I'm proud to say, and actaully tried to stop cutting in hopes that he'd like me again. I also had stopped goign to church as much because I was apart of this voluterr program called SPURS (which is awesoem an amazing experiance that I will get into later) that lasted from friday night till sunday after so I couldnt really goto church on sundays. Plus I had lost alot of intrest in church, and God, and religion. I only cared about love, and music, and pain. I eventually became numb. I numb as a human beeing could be. I cutt again, "cause I'd rather feel pain hen nothing at all". I was still not over Sean, but I wanted to be soooo badly. It didn't help that around the same time me and Sean broke up my mom broke-up with her bf too. I think that made it worse for me.

Church camp finally rolled around. I was hopeing that this experiance would break me out of my numbness, and tempararly it did. I went to camp planning to rededicate my self to Christ. I became close friends with this one girl who I'd known for years. It was a fun experiance and good chance to get out of the house. But as soon as camp was over, I went back to being numb. My numbness was rarely about Sean anymore. It was more about finding my self again, and snapping back to reality. I dabbled in buddhism, and learned lots of things about meditation. By the end of the summer I had gone back to researching mormonism.

Freshmen year was a new experiance for me. I became my self again, and learned new things about me. A new friend gave me a book of mormon, which I tried to read, but found the wording complicated and hard to navigate through. This was also when I came out as a bi. My views on life were scewed. People dont really except a bi mormon. Religion eventually came a blur of IDK as I worked on who I was, and creating the foundations for my highschool career.

Eventually my friend's boyfriend introduced me to Wikka. He explained how everything has a life force, and the two main Gods one of them being the earth. He explained couplets and how you basically pray by casting circles. This lead me to do lots of research. This was a completely new concept for me, and I wanted to try it for my self. I had planned to cast a circle of my own, but never got a chance too.

Alot of my religious reseaches ended before I actually got a chance to experiance them fully, because I am afriad to talk to most people outside the bestfriend relm about my doubts and curiousity. The is the first time I've really come into contact with my own religous past, and in a public place at that. Out of each experiance came a new view or belief that I now incorporate into what I believe, or my view on religion.

Firstly, I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins because no one is free of sin, and sin is human nature. I believe that by accepting this truth above all you are under the protection of God. I beleive if we die with Jesus in our heart we got heavan. I beleive heavan is like the buddhist Nirvana. When we die I believe we become one, and apart of the holy spirit. I believe God gives not believers seccond chances. I believe the only way to Hell is to sin for the sake of sinning. I believe God accepts all form of worship as long as they are for him, but does not forsake those who believe in false deities, but is willing to give them many chances to get to know him in this life and the next. God forgives. God never gives up. God loves all creation.
Insp for title:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if-UzXIQ5vw&ob=av3el

Insp for life:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA&feature=related

Peace, Love, and Hope!

An Insp.

http://800subjectnotebook.blogspot.com/2011/01/when-i-was-beautiful.html

This here is an insp. I wanted to answer and reflect on some of the subjects brought up in this entry, because it really got me thinking. Firstly, it reminded me of a poem-ish-thing I wrote in 7th-ish grade which I will find momentarily (time elapses). I always have trouble posting anything I write because I only see it as silly wishful venting, but I'm going to grow a pair and do this anyway:

PRETTY IS NOT SO PRETTY

When other girls watched Kim Possible
I watched Gilmore Girls
When other kids learned how to ride a bike
I learned how to play the drums
When most girls played barbies
I was a "secrete agent"
I was my own person.
Then I swent to public school
Everything hit me at once
There was, the pretties
I stopped likeing what I saw in the mirror
I tried to change myself to fit in
Using Televison as my guide
I began to lose who I was
I forgot who I was
Im remember the tears keeping me awake at night
In 6th grade I gave up,
pretty wasn't for me.
Then I learned the true meaning of friendship.
They showed me reality
They showed me how ugly pretty is
I relized and regreted who I'd been
Pretty isn't happiness.
Since then I've been recreateing myself
but it's hard
Sometimes I feel fake,
which is worse then pretty.
I can't do it alone,
but thats why I have
my true friends.

It's kind of lame, but looking back I relized the irony. Specially seeing who the true friends then are now. I remember being 12. I remember longing for a first kiss, a first love. How innocent.
It's all I cared about. This was, infact, the first year I had true friends. Which seems rather lame on my part, but its true. I had never had someone to talk to that understand me, my problems, and my boy-crazyness. Everything on earth was so new. Then I remember the ignorance and blindness. I had so much in the world going for me, but I never new it. All I could see was my desparation for adoration, because I based my self-worth on what boys thought of me. I used to pray to God each night and at church that SOMEONE would just love me. I'm glad this is no longer the center of my life or religous devotion. Although my relious devotion consists of agnostic.

Another thing I realized is we are constantly creating and recreating ourselves, weither we realize it not. I still don't fully understand my self, and I don't plan on it. I'm proud to say IDK who the F I am. I leave my about me section blank, always because I don't really know what to put. My mood changes hourly, and so does my perspective on life. Cause It only takes a moment to make you question your entire exsistance. Heck, I had no idea where this blog was going and I still don't.

I used to write alot when I was younger, and I really miss that because now I hardly write at all. I just never have time, or the insp, or I get to caught up in characterization. Back then I used to write freaking novels! Then i remember that most of those were wishful fan fictions of reality created out of my desparation and lack of self-confidence. If you'd like me to post any of these I'll gladly type and post them here, but you probably don't want to cause I wasn't a very strong writer back then lol.

On another note I am starting to get on the weightwatchers program, and I'd like to ask for as much support as I can get. I have a daily blog about the diet itself and how people affect my dieting lol the link is here:


http://community.weightwatchers.com/Blogs/UserBlog.aspx?blogid=1059959

tffn!!

Do I live here?

SO, I got home from handing with Anna and Brittany and there were pencil shaveings all over my bathroom floor, and my mom had died her hair. Was I really away that long? The light in my bedroom wont turn on either. SO, now that I actually have friends on here I'm going to try and blog more, and maybe I'll end up turning this into something deap and philosophical instead of lame and random. I should probably be doing WHAP notes atm but I'm not. I really hope that I can hang with Ryan on friday. We're planing on going to a late night showing of the Green Hornet with friends and having dinner before. I kinda want my two friends , Anna and Brittany, to be with Ryan's two friends, Mark and Glenn. So thats it for now, ttfn!

An Update

So I havent posted in a while and I'm terrably sorry. The holiday season was busy, but went by too fast. Before I knew it, it was finals week which I ended up doing pretty ok on with 4 As 2
Bs and a 61 in WHAP which is okay because its an AP. I also just recently got closer to 2 of the awesomest people in the world; Brittany and Anna! I've also become obsesed with RENT, and for my gold award project I want to put on my own RENT show and donate the money to the AIDS foundation and Homeless people(: Me and Ryan just hit our 2month mark (which was celebrated with lazer tag and gokarts) and are doing pretty awesome(: Alot of other things have happend to but I'd take too long to type :P Se La Vie!