My Reflection

Today... I was invited to goto christian book club with brittany. It was amazing. I feel like I'm hitting a turning point in my life sorta, and I don't know if I'm just high on God, or life, or starbucks or if this is actually real.

I began to think of what would happen if I were to convert to christianity. Thats when I hit this block of anger and frusteration that I realized has been building up inside me. Why was I so angry? Where did this block come from, and how long has it been there?

I began to search my religious past. I discovered a lonley, heart broken, eigth grade girl sitting in the back of a sanctuary with slits on her wrists, alone. That girl was me. I used to think if God wants me he will send someone to come get me. No one ever came. I was forced to come to church whenever I wasn't busy, and resented it. I felt like I had no control over my life and that being with God wasn't my decision anymore. I managed to blend in, keep quiet, and keep to my self. I wanted to be saved from my darkness, but no one ever came.

I was basically an athiest, but under the name of various dominations of many different religions includeing christian at times. I tried to rededicate my self that summer and ended up being baptised and makeing a friend, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't hungry for God, I just wanted to lose my sadness and numbness.

My relationship with God in the 7th grade was shakey, and it was verry hard to make friends and have support because the church I went to was very big and very cliquey. Yet it was the strongest I ever was. The church and the people in were friendly and kind don't get me wrong, but i just didn't fit in. I've said this before, but the main reason I went to God back then was because I wanted a boyfriend. This afternoon we talked about shallow prayer, and how if ask for the same little things over and over for a long period you aren't growing. I wasn't growing, and for a years EVERY time I prayed, I asked God for a boyfriend. This seems silly, until I realized why I always asked for a bf. I thought that if I had a boyfriend I would be beautiful. I wanted God to make me beautiful, but what I didn't realize is that I was beautiful. All of God's creation are beautiful, and I was his.

I also just wanted to be adored. For someone to think highly of me and love me. To boost my confedance, and be my friend. I should of realized that I already had that in God.

All this (at least for now) is what is the root of my block. I felt ugly, and unwanted, and confused. Going to church for me enhanced these feelings in me, and I blamed on God. I hated him. He didn't want me, and I felt like he made no effort to get me back. He was trying, but i blocked him out. And I'm tryign to tare down this wall and let him back in.

I was secretley aware of this wall, but I figured I could tare it down and let him back in when I was ready. I'm never going to be ready, because I enjoy feeling incontrol. Now, I am out of control because of this bolder i created between me and God and I can't push it away alone. I will never be fully in control, because God's the one that's in control.

I am so thirsty. I want this thing with God again, I've felt it before but only in short bursts. This is: passion. I'm not completly ready to convert and just start magically being a devout christian and such. "You can't convert someone in a day." But I'm intrested in learning, considering, and possibly believing. I still have questions and doubts, and I prolly always will. But I have found a group of passionate people with ideas that can support and that I'm not afraid to talk to because I feel like i'd be judge. They are also my best friends as well. I am excited.

I don't if I have hit all the points I wanted to, but I do want to leave two of my big questions tonight has left me with:

1) When Jesus told the lady at the fountain of the drink of life, he said she would never thirst again. Then why do we constantly have to keep refilling ourselves with God to stay ontop of life?

2) Is the reason that we can rely on God more than things of this world (friends, money, hobbies) is because we can see and feel them and see they are real, and can see when they truly let us down, and God is something thats in ur head or is more of a thought and because we cant see him? I hope you get what I was trying to ask by that cus I'm haveing trouble wording what I was trying to say lol

ttfn
:heart: kate

Just Breath

I woke up this morning feeling like this song. Idk, but i woke up and my window was open. The air outside was cool, but not to cold. The sky was blue and the birds were chirping. I finally just... breathed. The fresh air that was streaming through my window filled my loungs, and i realized how long it had been sence I just... breathed. I was forced to see and remember how beautiful life really is. I layed in bed for an hour and a half just marvelling at that moment. I realized how fast my life has been going, I mean not much, much has been going on, but I just never seemed to stop. I've been pushing and pushing my self to do and do, and I never realized how much I've been missing.

I also stopped and examed on my past alittle bit. Let's just say I've made alot of mistakes, and well I haven't exactly excepted them all. Some of them imparticular have been hidden within a grudge in the back of my mind. I have said "I love you," 4 times, and never actually ment it. I made my self believe that I ment it though. One of these times ended up in me going alittle futher in a relationship than, now, I would've hoped. Neither of us were ready and I think I knew deap down inside that I never loved him. I wanted to love him, because he made me feel safe and adored. Something no one had ever made me feel before. But we had no passion, or understanding. I was his world, but he wasn't mine. I regret everything, and I can't seem to let it go. And I realize just now that I can never truly enjoy life until, I can be rid of my regrets. Hopefully this will be the start of letting go of my regrets.

Today is a day to focus on my self. Bother inner and outter. I will attempted to fix the pieces of my self that I have left broken because the edges are sharp. I will also be treating my self to a spa day and turning all contact to the outside world off. Time will not exsist, and in the end I will ask my parents to get me a veggie burger from fudruckers.

ttfn
♥kate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPz3YaIJkjQ

What is Love?

"I love you", Ryan turned to me and said. I jolted up from my dream. It was 9:30 on a friday, we had the day off because of snow on the road. I don't know why this dream got to me so much, or why i jolted awake like it was a nightmare. I think it symbolizes the mixture of confused emotions that I bare towards those three words. I really want those words to be true for me and Ryan, but I know we still need time. I also think that I jolted awake, because I wanted that moment to be true in reality and not just my dream. I wanted to bring what happend in to reality like when that one chick brought freddie kruegar's hat with her when she woke from her dream. I also think I'm afraid of falling in love as well, mainly because when your in love it hurts more when they leave. I don't him to leave. Even though we've only been together for almost 3 months, I'm utterly and irrevocabley crazy about him.

On another note I wanna hang with my friends today, but Idk what to do :/ Because its cold, and blah. Maybe we could all goto my house and play boardgames, or on the wii, or watch a movie. And hot chocolate(: We'll see.

So, my future has been constantly popping up in my head and conversation. I honestly have no idea what I wanna do with my life, job wise. I'm considering interior design, or a striper lol. But real passion would be teaching, idk why. I've always wanted to be a teacher, I'm just worried that I wouldn't make enough money. I also know that I want to be a mommy, really bad. And I want to have alot of kids. For sure two of them have names: Beth for a girl and Leiv for a boy(: Is it sad that they're not even born and I already love them? I want children so bad. I also know that I don't want to have kids or get married until after college, and that I for sure am going to college. I don't want to have to do community college though, so i have to work really hard in school. My main options are SHSU or A&M, preferable A&M lol. That's all I know.

So now I have some questions for those out there who actually read my blog, and I expect comments/texts/PMs in response, please?

Firstly:
What is love?
What does it mean to you?
What is you definition of Love?

Seccondly:
What is parental love?
What does it mean to you?
What would someone have to do to be a loving parent to you?

Thirdly:
What is friendship love?
What does it mean to you?
What does one have to do to be a loveing friend to you?

Lastly:
What is relationship love?
What does it mean to you?
What does one have to do to be a loveing boyfriend/girlfriend to you?

Valnetines day is comming up and I'm really excited, because it will be my first valentines day with a boyfriend, and its Ryan's first witha girlfriend :D But its got me thinking about all this mushy love stuff, so...I'm curious(:

ttfn
♥Kate

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq00WtzbcDU&feature=related