Beauty from Pain

Humans have this sick disease. We don't admit it, because we're afraid of sounding unstable. We are in love with our pain. It makes us feel alive, and gives us purpose. It keeps us from feeling numb. We love to hurt.

That's why we get stuck in these never ending cycles, why we secretly hate a good friend for dating your ex-boyfriend, why we get paranoid and clingy, and why we stay in unhealthy relationships. Its why we go crazy, and deep down inside, love every minute of it.

We always try to hide not only the fact that we're hurting, but that we refuse to let it go. This dishonesty with ourselves and others keeps the pain going. If we really hated our pain, we would choose not to feel it. Yet, without pain we would never grow.

Music. Men, and Unicorns

So this weekend I'm playing saxophone for my church, and I am super nervous. I am also playing a song with this guy at my church named Blake. He's super talented and everyone's in love with him. To be honest, I am really jealous of him. He's like everything I want to be, but can't. I want to do musical ministry, and I want to have talent, and I want to be well liked. I'm so afraid I'm gonna mess up. I am no where near the talent I feel I should be.

Also, Ryan kept popping up everywhere yesterday at school, so i talked to Sydney about it, and we ended up talking about how despite everything that has gone down between me and him how we are still friends. I honestly think God is most responsible for this. I mean being friends with him just felt like the natural thing to do. I tried so hard to hate him, but I just couldn't.

Lastly, as an update I am currently in San Antonio. My goal this trip is to find as many unicorns as I possibly can and take pictures of them. I am really bored right now. We might go to the Alamo and river walk later.

loltxtit~

Honest to God.

I have a very high value of honesty. I strive to be genuine and honest to people, especially those who I care about most. Which is why when I find out someone is/has been lying to me, I immediately lose respect for them. No I know little white lies happen all the time, I'm not referring to that. I'm talking about big stuff. Like the stuff where you and I both know whats going on, and yet you deliberately lie to my face.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves, and yet I do this to God. I deliberately lie to his face about what is truly on my heart. Why? Because I'm afraid he'll judge me, and think I'm stupid. This is, however, not the case. God loves me and cares for my well-being. He wants me to come to him with even my piddly problems. God and I both know where my heart is, and to deny that would be stupid. I'd be dishonest, and frankly useless.

So to be frankly honest, I am in love with Ryan. I went on retreat with my youth group two weeks ago, and for the first real time I admitted to this to God. I was so relieved to finally be open and honest with Him, everything just came out. Late at night, on the dock. screaming at the stars. It was beautiful.

Honestly, I have been praying for him as well. For his heart, and his relationship with God. Because even if we don't end up back together, I still want that for him. Honestly. I know its what would make him happiest.

Lastly, God sometimes pokes at us through our week spots to help make changes in other parts of our lives. I think God uses Ryan to bring me closer time him. As I look back, I realize more and more is is true. The perfect example is 30 hour famine last year. I mainly went because he was going to be there. We had just broken up, and I wanted to be with him. That weekend was a turning point in my relationship with God, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Through that hurt, I got closer to God and created a personal relationship with Him. He also gave a special kind of fellowship manifested in my bffl Sydney. Sorry about your arm.

We are Hungry

I don't think my friends realize how much I care about them. It breaks my heart every time I see them hating themselves so much. I want for them to be happy so bad, and to see how wonderful they truly are. This fact makes me feel like I am not a good enough friend. It makes be feel so worthless.

A lot of things have been making me feel worthless lately. Like today during choir when I found out I wasn't going to be playing my saxophone for the talent show/benefit for youth choir, it broke my heart. I want so badly to be apart of musical ministry, but I'm just not good enough, ever.

Also, boys. Sydney and I (Britt would be so proud of my grammar) were talking about your first relationship leaves a bigger imprint on your soul that you realize. My first relationship was pretty great, until we broke up and then I found out him and best friend were in love with each other the ENTIRE time. So they went out. That sort of sets a precedent for most of my other relationships. They ended up being blissful lies, and they ended up dating one of my friends.

Lastly, I also realized today that I ruined my wedding night. I've had sex. I'm damaged goods. I'm worthless. I hate that I did that to my future husband. And I want nothing more than to take it back. For him, and for me. It's been a weird night.

Washed by the Water

I have not been a very good example for God lately. I have gotten caught up my boy crazy desire to be adored and satisfied that I've lost sight of the adoration and satisfaction I receive from my creator.I know that it breaks his heart to watch me breaking my heart over men that don't appreciate my worth or don't care as much as I do. I hear him screaming at that he has something better for me planned, but I just can't let go.

Holding on is one of the biggest things that keeps me away from God. I hold on to the words people say, or the happiness that no longer belongs to me. I hold on to the hurt, the anger, and the past. Theses things just crumble in my hand as I hang of the edge of a cliff. Yet, instead of putting my faith in God and coping with the fall, I keep trying to grab hole of the mountain.

I miss him. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. The feelings are not mutual. I keep hoping and waiting for the day he changes his mind, and I am once again embraced in his arms. I can wait for that. I need to do whats best for me and let go off the cliff. Have faith. Pray.