My Reflection

Today... I was invited to goto christian book club with brittany. It was amazing. I feel like I'm hitting a turning point in my life sorta, and I don't know if I'm just high on God, or life, or starbucks or if this is actually real.

I began to think of what would happen if I were to convert to christianity. Thats when I hit this block of anger and frusteration that I realized has been building up inside me. Why was I so angry? Where did this block come from, and how long has it been there?

I began to search my religious past. I discovered a lonley, heart broken, eigth grade girl sitting in the back of a sanctuary with slits on her wrists, alone. That girl was me. I used to think if God wants me he will send someone to come get me. No one ever came. I was forced to come to church whenever I wasn't busy, and resented it. I felt like I had no control over my life and that being with God wasn't my decision anymore. I managed to blend in, keep quiet, and keep to my self. I wanted to be saved from my darkness, but no one ever came.

I was basically an athiest, but under the name of various dominations of many different religions includeing christian at times. I tried to rededicate my self that summer and ended up being baptised and makeing a friend, but it wasn't enough. I wasn't hungry for God, I just wanted to lose my sadness and numbness.

My relationship with God in the 7th grade was shakey, and it was verry hard to make friends and have support because the church I went to was very big and very cliquey. Yet it was the strongest I ever was. The church and the people in were friendly and kind don't get me wrong, but i just didn't fit in. I've said this before, but the main reason I went to God back then was because I wanted a boyfriend. This afternoon we talked about shallow prayer, and how if ask for the same little things over and over for a long period you aren't growing. I wasn't growing, and for a years EVERY time I prayed, I asked God for a boyfriend. This seems silly, until I realized why I always asked for a bf. I thought that if I had a boyfriend I would be beautiful. I wanted God to make me beautiful, but what I didn't realize is that I was beautiful. All of God's creation are beautiful, and I was his.

I also just wanted to be adored. For someone to think highly of me and love me. To boost my confedance, and be my friend. I should of realized that I already had that in God.

All this (at least for now) is what is the root of my block. I felt ugly, and unwanted, and confused. Going to church for me enhanced these feelings in me, and I blamed on God. I hated him. He didn't want me, and I felt like he made no effort to get me back. He was trying, but i blocked him out. And I'm tryign to tare down this wall and let him back in.

I was secretley aware of this wall, but I figured I could tare it down and let him back in when I was ready. I'm never going to be ready, because I enjoy feeling incontrol. Now, I am out of control because of this bolder i created between me and God and I can't push it away alone. I will never be fully in control, because God's the one that's in control.

I am so thirsty. I want this thing with God again, I've felt it before but only in short bursts. This is: passion. I'm not completly ready to convert and just start magically being a devout christian and such. "You can't convert someone in a day." But I'm intrested in learning, considering, and possibly believing. I still have questions and doubts, and I prolly always will. But I have found a group of passionate people with ideas that can support and that I'm not afraid to talk to because I feel like i'd be judge. They are also my best friends as well. I am excited.

I don't if I have hit all the points I wanted to, but I do want to leave two of my big questions tonight has left me with:

1) When Jesus told the lady at the fountain of the drink of life, he said she would never thirst again. Then why do we constantly have to keep refilling ourselves with God to stay ontop of life?

2) Is the reason that we can rely on God more than things of this world (friends, money, hobbies) is because we can see and feel them and see they are real, and can see when they truly let us down, and God is something thats in ur head or is more of a thought and because we cant see him? I hope you get what I was trying to ask by that cus I'm haveing trouble wording what I was trying to say lol

ttfn
:heart: kate