Straight Quarter Notes

Damn it's been a while. I've been in a writingy mood for the past couple days, and tumblr is dead so I figured it's time we catch up. I've been living the single life for 3-4 months and teeter tottering between wanting to sleep with everything that moves and wanting to drown myself in a pool. I had a ridiculously busy summer with trips, work, summer school, and now band. Senior year is approaching fast, and I'm surprisingly unemotional about it. I don't have very many emotions lately. Just horny, lonely, and numb. Life is dull. Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes I wanna jump off a cliff. That's pretty much it.

Later,
Kate

It's been a weird week...

Hey again my lovely empty void of the internet. I'm going to give you some updates seeing as how it's been awhile.Firstly, about 4 days after my last post I was asked out by the shagadelic Anthony Nowak. We've been dating for a little over a month now, and it's pretty groovy :3 He's super cute an sweet and funny and adorable and HOT :D I still have no license, and am about to be taking on two jobs. One as a "hostie" at Texas Road House and the other as a lifeguard at Splashtown. I also might be taking summer school this summer for gov/eco, but it's looking less and less likely. My mom also wants me to apply for this summer program at A&M for engineering, which means I have to choose between UMARMY and CHOIR TOUR. Needless to say I am super stressed out. I want to do everything, and if I choose not to do something I'll end up upsetting someone as well as my self. 


Another fun story. Brittany and I got into a car wreck the other day, and her car is now totaled. So she's super stressed out as well, which stresses me out on top of everything else. I love her to death, and I just wish I had the words she needed to hear to know she is loved and that everything is going to be alright...


As junior year is coming to a close, I am getting more and more stressed out about the future. Every single step I take feels like a life changing decision, and I feel like everyone expects me to have it all figured out. I just wish it was last summer.

Basket Case

I've been really lonely lately. I've also been trying to mask this with porn and an obsession with cats. I know this post is going to sound really whiny, and I don't care. I really don't like certain aspects of my self right now. I am just really obnoxious, and annoying and I feel like no body likes me because I am needy and desperate. I also have a hard time believing that I am attractive. I feel like I am just not the date-able type of person. I feel like people take advantage of me because I am vulnerable, and willing, and insecure. I would rather others be happy than myself, but I feel like my existence is what is making people unhappy right now. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever, because I am so afraid to try and get with someone new because I'm afraid of rejection and getting hurt. I just don't want to feel so alone anymore. bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehh// I don't mind being alone right now, I am just afraid that this will last forever. I just need to find someone whose willing to work through all my quirks and issues, but he probably does't exist. fuck.

Beauty from Pain

Humans have this sick disease. We don't admit it, because we're afraid of sounding unstable. We are in love with our pain. It makes us feel alive, and gives us purpose. It keeps us from feeling numb. We love to hurt.

That's why we get stuck in these never ending cycles, why we secretly hate a good friend for dating your ex-boyfriend, why we get paranoid and clingy, and why we stay in unhealthy relationships. Its why we go crazy, and deep down inside, love every minute of it.

We always try to hide not only the fact that we're hurting, but that we refuse to let it go. This dishonesty with ourselves and others keeps the pain going. If we really hated our pain, we would choose not to feel it. Yet, without pain we would never grow.

Music. Men, and Unicorns

So this weekend I'm playing saxophone for my church, and I am super nervous. I am also playing a song with this guy at my church named Blake. He's super talented and everyone's in love with him. To be honest, I am really jealous of him. He's like everything I want to be, but can't. I want to do musical ministry, and I want to have talent, and I want to be well liked. I'm so afraid I'm gonna mess up. I am no where near the talent I feel I should be.

Also, Ryan kept popping up everywhere yesterday at school, so i talked to Sydney about it, and we ended up talking about how despite everything that has gone down between me and him how we are still friends. I honestly think God is most responsible for this. I mean being friends with him just felt like the natural thing to do. I tried so hard to hate him, but I just couldn't.

Lastly, as an update I am currently in San Antonio. My goal this trip is to find as many unicorns as I possibly can and take pictures of them. I am really bored right now. We might go to the Alamo and river walk later.

loltxtit~

Honest to God.

I have a very high value of honesty. I strive to be genuine and honest to people, especially those who I care about most. Which is why when I find out someone is/has been lying to me, I immediately lose respect for them. No I know little white lies happen all the time, I'm not referring to that. I'm talking about big stuff. Like the stuff where you and I both know whats going on, and yet you deliberately lie to my face.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves, and yet I do this to God. I deliberately lie to his face about what is truly on my heart. Why? Because I'm afraid he'll judge me, and think I'm stupid. This is, however, not the case. God loves me and cares for my well-being. He wants me to come to him with even my piddly problems. God and I both know where my heart is, and to deny that would be stupid. I'd be dishonest, and frankly useless.

So to be frankly honest, I am in love with Ryan. I went on retreat with my youth group two weeks ago, and for the first real time I admitted to this to God. I was so relieved to finally be open and honest with Him, everything just came out. Late at night, on the dock. screaming at the stars. It was beautiful.

Honestly, I have been praying for him as well. For his heart, and his relationship with God. Because even if we don't end up back together, I still want that for him. Honestly. I know its what would make him happiest.

Lastly, God sometimes pokes at us through our week spots to help make changes in other parts of our lives. I think God uses Ryan to bring me closer time him. As I look back, I realize more and more is is true. The perfect example is 30 hour famine last year. I mainly went because he was going to be there. We had just broken up, and I wanted to be with him. That weekend was a turning point in my relationship with God, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Through that hurt, I got closer to God and created a personal relationship with Him. He also gave a special kind of fellowship manifested in my bffl Sydney. Sorry about your arm.

We are Hungry

I don't think my friends realize how much I care about them. It breaks my heart every time I see them hating themselves so much. I want for them to be happy so bad, and to see how wonderful they truly are. This fact makes me feel like I am not a good enough friend. It makes be feel so worthless.

A lot of things have been making me feel worthless lately. Like today during choir when I found out I wasn't going to be playing my saxophone for the talent show/benefit for youth choir, it broke my heart. I want so badly to be apart of musical ministry, but I'm just not good enough, ever.

Also, boys. Sydney and I (Britt would be so proud of my grammar) were talking about your first relationship leaves a bigger imprint on your soul that you realize. My first relationship was pretty great, until we broke up and then I found out him and best friend were in love with each other the ENTIRE time. So they went out. That sort of sets a precedent for most of my other relationships. They ended up being blissful lies, and they ended up dating one of my friends.

Lastly, I also realized today that I ruined my wedding night. I've had sex. I'm damaged goods. I'm worthless. I hate that I did that to my future husband. And I want nothing more than to take it back. For him, and for me. It's been a weird night.