Charisma & the Value of Life

Charisma is one of the most inspirational tools one can use to change the world. Today it was brought to my attention that I am very uncharismatic. This bothers me because I want to change the world in some way shape or form. I realize that I haven't talked about it much, but in some way I want to leave my mark on the world. I want people to remember me long after I've died, like Jesus or Rosa Parks or Elvis. Any who, back to why I am uncharismatic. It is not that I'm a unlikeable person, or that I don't have passion or enthusiasm. It because let my negative qualities ( specifically insecurity, moodiness, and perfectionism) cloud out the things that attract people. Unfortunately, my faults are apart of who I am and I will struggle with them for the rest of my life. I can't change my personality for the sake of being charismatic. You can't try to be a charismatic person. Charisma comes naturally. You can't fake charisma. Does that mean I will never be a charismatic person and never achieve my dream of being influential? I don't think so. I think everyone has their own form of charisma, because different people are attracted to different things. The fact is not everyone is going to like you. This is a big struggle for me, because its easy to understand right now, but it might not be when someone cracks a fat joke at my expense when I walk into school tomorrow. Not being able to accept this fact is the reason for my insecurities, and my need to be perfect. All these things combined make me frustrated, and scared which leads to my moodiness. If I would just accept this fact I could be a very charismatic person.

The interesting thing is that tomorrow, there's a chance that I could disagree with everything I just said. I could be wrong. As life changes, I change my mind. I spend so much time trying to rationalize my feelings, and it frustrates me. Honestly, I will probably never truly understand life, because in just one moment you can begin to question your entire existence. It could be something little like not having lunch money or a ride home. It can be something big like my mom has cancer or my dads in prison. Life is unpredictable. You just can never know. You can't spend your life worrying about whats to come. You must enjoy what you have now, because in less than a second it could be gone. Sadly, when I say you and I tell you to do things... I am usually talking to myself. I don't know though. What do you think?

♥Kate

click here to see my tumblr: http://kkateperkinss.tumblr.com/

To the cancer patients of the world, my heart goes out to you

Once again life is teaching me how important it is, that selfish bastard. God is testing me, or punishing me or possible both. MamaSummer's Kemo starts tomorrow. My mom was telling me how it kills all the cells, and that MamaSummer will be really sick. I became scared. I asked if I could not goto to my fathers house if she was feeling sick. I can barley deal with the thought of her sickley. She told me now, and that it'll give me a new perspective on life. Well you know fucking what!? Maybe I don't want a new perspective! Maybe I want my stepmom to be well. Maybe I want to my family to just be stable. Maybe I want to get good grades and hang out with friends, and not have to worry about my family and future. Maybe I should run away. Maybe I should lock myself in a closet and hide from reality. Maybe I'll get fake ID and move to a foreign country. I know that wishing won't make my stepmom well, and I know I cant run and hide from realty. Don't mind me I'm just upset.

On a lighter note:
I had a very artistic afternoon. Filled with painters, and jazz concerts, and contemplation of my inner self♥ I love to be surrounded by culture.

To the cancer patients of the world, My ♥ goes out to you...
Kate

Death of a Artist

I Can't Write. I used to write all the time, but for some reason i just stopped... maybe because I thought I was no good? Or never gave my stories paticense enough to blossom. Maybe.
Maybe its because I wrote, because I was unhappy. I wrote to get away from reality. Or maybe, I always had an idea before I began writting. I never wrote just to write. I have ideas all the time, but i feel like none of them are ever worth being put down on paper. Or that I am an uncapable writter. I used to read too. I'm just so busy this year. Am I loosing my ability to be an artist? Am I becoming unable to make art? This is a great fear of mine. That the artist in me is dying. I was never really good at peotry, because I ahve a tendancy to ramble, but I kinda wanna give it a shot... I guess we'll wait in see. It shall be a feeble, yet hopefull attemt to revive my dying artistic soul...

Put You In A Song

Hm Hm Hm, everything ends up okay in the end(:

Never Say Never

My life as I know is crumbleing all around me. I am in pain, and all I can do to ease it is sing. "Never Say Never, Don't Let Me Go". I have come to the conclusion that I am, infact, not christian. There is too much going on in my life to get caught up in do's and don't and religous labels. I am giveing up on religion and giveing in to spirituality. Right now I just God. Just God. I don't need a church, or a fellowship, or commandments to get me through right now. I just need God. And that is my main focus.

Today in church we talked about the temptations (aka testing) of Christ. Sometimes God tests us, right before we are about to do something great for him in the glory of his name. God is putting me through these trials right now to test me, and I do pray that he uses these things for his own good. I hope that through me and my challanges there will be a great victory in the name of the Lord.

Priorities. I need to re-prioritize. I need to focus on God. My family and friends and blessings are slowly fadeing to black. I need to grab on to something sturdy, valid, pure. God. Because with him I will never be alone. And through him, I pray, that the great blessings I once had in my life will come to color once again. I just have to be strong till then...<\3

heartbroken but loveingly,
Kate

Curse Words

To explain my life, and the changes I've gone through recently I must use 2 of the most profain words in today's language.

God recently brought me back into the warmth of his love, by showing me the true meaning of purity. He changed me, and made pure. He showed me the meaning of truly being alone, and showed me how with him I am never alone. He has become my night-light, in a literal and metaphorical sence. I want to be his light and shine out to the world. He has given me the the desire to be a ripend passion fruit of purity and peace for his glory.

Cancer; My stepmom has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. They caught it early on, but we don't quite know what kinda treatment she will be needing. We've all taken quite a hit, so please just keep her and us in ur prayers. She's really strong, and we don't think it's deadly at this point. My stepmom, aka MamaSummer, is an amazing woman, and although she annoys me sometimes, I love her.

A few other things going on atm:

Rodeo season, WHAP exam coming up, hawian cultural awarenss day on friday, did the ELA TAKS test today, Ryan is the SWEETEST man in the world, I'm growing apart from old friends and growing closer to new ones (I honestly am kinda ok with the change and I feel like me and my old friends will circle back around and be friends again.)

Thats Basically it(:

dedicated to MamaSummer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjO1F6oCab8

Love kate

p.s. I also got to be in a parade last saturday >>>>