That is not the point of this entry though. The point of it is that beautifully hot topic of religion. I've tried to tell my self I'm just not a religous person, but the fact is thats a lie. People say you shouldn't speak of religion because some one will get offended, or it will bring about unessisary conflict. I love talking and listening to people's views and beliefs on lifes greater powers. The more we talk, I feel, the closer we get to an actual conclusion. I also enjoy listening to the different things people believe and compareing, adding, or changeing my beliefs. I am going to start my religous explaintion by takeing you through a journey of my testamony, I guess you could call it.
I started becomeing really close to God at a church camp that summer between 6th and 7th grades. It was one of the most moving spiritual experiances of my life. I was shy and didn't make many friends other than my counselors (who I never saw again after camp) and God. My camp group got really close spiritually, but I never became friends with any of them. Once 7th grade roled around I started attending church regularlly (sunday morning, wednesday night, sunday after noon, etc). You could say I was a strong christian, but I still had trouble makeing friends which made it hard to stay strong. Don't get me wrong they were all very friendly, but it was such a large church and cliques tended to form and there never seemed to be room for me in them. I was awkward and a tomboy, but not into sports. They were all pretty, and preppy, and athletic.
I remained very active in the church, and over the after 7th grade I had planned to go on a missions trip to matamoris mexico. Right before the trip though I had a religious discussion with one of my very close friends, who happend to be mormon. He explained how mormon believed in God, and Jesus, and how the only way to get to heavan is through excepting Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior. He also explain the different levels of heavan, which I may go into later, and alot of other things that don't remeber enough to explain at this time. I was very intreged. I very much considered converting. I stuggled with this though alot. Things went on as planned. I went to matamoris and it was one of the most amazing spiritual experiances of my life. I still talk about it all the time. While I was there I talked to one of the adults at my church about my experiance with my Mormon friend. She basically told me Mormonism is blasphemy and colt. I was left confused. My trip to matamoris also left me questioning my baptist community I had been a part of for so long. If the core of our faith was that the only way to heavan was inviting Jesus to come into you heart, and thats what mormons and catholics (in matamoris we had prayed for Jesus to come into the heart of catholics even tho catholasism is a form christiany) believed then why do we think they won't be allowed into heavan as well?
This was the begining of a dark swirling circle of doubt. I began my research into the mormon faith. I looked on websites, and talked to people. Sometimes I'd ask my parents questions, and I seriously thought about telling them about my considerations, but I never did.
8th grade was a hard year for me. I got really into the whole "emo" scene. I was depressed, but I never really had a reason to. I cutt, but I never really had a reason to other than my own self pitty and lack of confedecne. I wore too much eye linner, and -gulp- purple skinny jeans. FOB, and PATD, and simple plan were the core of my playlist. Yeah, I was one of those girls. I loved all to rash and strongly. And fell into my own reality with this guy named Sean. He was my world for 5 months until it came crashing down. I cried more than I'm proud to say, and actaully tried to stop cutting in hopes that he'd like me again. I also had stopped goign to church as much because I was apart of this voluterr program called SPURS (which is awesoem an amazing experiance that I will get into later) that lasted from friday night till sunday after so I couldnt really goto church on sundays. Plus I had lost alot of intrest in church, and God, and religion. I only cared about love, and music, and pain. I eventually became numb. I numb as a human beeing could be. I cutt again, "cause I'd rather feel pain hen nothing at all". I was still not over Sean, but I wanted to be soooo badly. It didn't help that around the same time me and Sean broke up my mom broke-up with her bf too. I think that made it worse for me.
Church camp finally rolled around. I was hopeing that this experiance would break me out of my numbness, and tempararly it did. I went to camp planning to rededicate my self to Christ. I became close friends with this one girl who I'd known for years. It was a fun experiance and good chance to get out of the house. But as soon as camp was over, I went back to being numb. My numbness was rarely about Sean anymore. It was more about finding my self again, and snapping back to reality. I dabbled in buddhism, and learned lots of things about meditation. By the end of the summer I had gone back to researching mormonism.
Freshmen year was a new experiance for me. I became my self again, and learned new things about me. A new friend gave me a book of mormon, which I tried to read, but found the wording complicated and hard to navigate through. This was also when I came out as a bi. My views on life were scewed. People dont really except a bi mormon. Religion eventually came a blur of IDK as I worked on who I was, and creating the foundations for my highschool career.
Eventually my friend's boyfriend introduced me to Wikka. He explained how everything has a life force, and the two main Gods one of them being the earth. He explained couplets and how you basically pray by casting circles. This lead me to do lots of research. This was a completely new concept for me, and I wanted to try it for my self. I had planned to cast a circle of my own, but never got a chance too.
Alot of my religious reseaches ended before I actually got a chance to experiance them fully, because I am afriad to talk to most people outside the bestfriend relm about my doubts and curiousity. The is the first time I've really come into contact with my own religous past, and in a public place at that. Out of each experiance came a new view or belief that I now incorporate into what I believe, or my view on religion.
Firstly, I believe in God. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins because no one is free of sin, and sin is human nature. I believe that by accepting this truth above all you are under the protection of God. I beleive if we die with Jesus in our heart we got heavan. I beleive heavan is like the buddhist Nirvana. When we die I believe we become one, and apart of the holy spirit. I believe God gives not believers seccond chances. I believe the only way to Hell is to sin for the sake of sinning. I believe God accepts all form of worship as long as they are for him, but does not forsake those who believe in false deities, but is willing to give them many chances to get to know him in this life and the next. God forgives. God never gives up. God loves all creation.
Insp for title:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if-UzXIQ5vw&ob=av3el
Insp for life:
Insp for life:
Peace, Love, and Hope!
I forgot to mention, I complety believe in astorlogy. I believe that the stars have an afect on who we are and our long term fate. I believe that the stars and cozmos are sort of like God's puppet strings for the earth.
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