Honest to God.

I have a very high value of honesty. I strive to be genuine and honest to people, especially those who I care about most. Which is why when I find out someone is/has been lying to me, I immediately lose respect for them. No I know little white lies happen all the time, I'm not referring to that. I'm talking about big stuff. Like the stuff where you and I both know whats going on, and yet you deliberately lie to my face.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves, and yet I do this to God. I deliberately lie to his face about what is truly on my heart. Why? Because I'm afraid he'll judge me, and think I'm stupid. This is, however, not the case. God loves me and cares for my well-being. He wants me to come to him with even my piddly problems. God and I both know where my heart is, and to deny that would be stupid. I'd be dishonest, and frankly useless.

So to be frankly honest, I am in love with Ryan. I went on retreat with my youth group two weeks ago, and for the first real time I admitted to this to God. I was so relieved to finally be open and honest with Him, everything just came out. Late at night, on the dock. screaming at the stars. It was beautiful.

Honestly, I have been praying for him as well. For his heart, and his relationship with God. Because even if we don't end up back together, I still want that for him. Honestly. I know its what would make him happiest.

Lastly, God sometimes pokes at us through our week spots to help make changes in other parts of our lives. I think God uses Ryan to bring me closer time him. As I look back, I realize more and more is is true. The perfect example is 30 hour famine last year. I mainly went because he was going to be there. We had just broken up, and I wanted to be with him. That weekend was a turning point in my relationship with God, even though I didn't realize it at the time. Through that hurt, I got closer to God and created a personal relationship with Him. He also gave a special kind of fellowship manifested in my bffl Sydney. Sorry about your arm.